Along comes Mary
by Theleafylord
Summary: Random one shots featuring many characters.
1. Along comes Mary!

**Along comes Mary**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. Along comes Mary belongs to the Bloodhound Gang.**

Note: I used to write Eragon fanfics but I left after all the stories were overpowered by a mass of Mary Sue stories. Please, don't let this happen to Percy Jackson section. My fears were realized when some Duck Air Sage called Aliya a Mary Sue. I have no idea if this is true or not. You decide. But this story is a warning, as such, and badly written as always.

Now, we were all doomed. Kronos had returned, and he and Zeus had caused death to swarm through the states, claiming hundreds of thousands of lives. No, I also don't know who counts these kinds of things. Kronos had one more thing to do. Me, Hades and Alex were drawn against a Wall Mart. Here, we would make our stand. Back to my life!

"Here comes Kronos." said Hades, grimly, lifting his scythe in one hand.

"It's either him, or a person who was repaired with Superglue." said Alex. Crude, yet accurate. Kronos did indeed give off the appearance of someone who was blown to bits and then stapled back together. Too bad he wasn't on governmental health plan. Then we would have to deal with this in twenty years if he doesn't die to dirty equipment.

"Hi Prommy." said Kronos, walking towards us with long purposeful strides. "Long time no See. I'm afraid I'm going to have to chop you up into little bits and throw your remains in High School musical DVD boxes, where no one will ever find them."

"You bastard!" yelled Alex. "We will kill you before you kill us!"

Kronos leered. "You can't stop me." he said. "No one can." Curses! He was about to destroy us! Goodbye planet earth! Say hi to Mars when I go to my inevitable demise!

"And now." said Kronos, raising his hands, and the earth trembled. "Feel my wrath!"

"Oh no you don't!" came a voice from the window still. A girl jumped out from behind some air and jumped between us and Kronos. She had glowing silver hair, beautiful golden eyes and an outfit that was so stylish yet simple it was an amazing.

"What the fuck?" yelled Kronos. "Oh No! A Mary Sue! I'm so screwed, despite the fact that I'm a billion times more powerful than her, she will still defeat me with her convenient array of magical items."

"That's right." said Mary smiling. "I shall now apply Paint thinner to your body, and make sarcastic comments while the holy glue melts and you fall apart." Hey! Why didn't we think of that?

"No!" said Kronos as he started to melt. "I'm melting! And I'm ripping off the Wizard of Oz? Pardon the pun but can I sink any lower than this?" Man, we really need to get something to clean that titnaly pool of titan remains up.

"Excuse, me." said Hades. "But who are you?"

"My name is Mary Sue." said Mary. "I have a vast array of talents. I host seven talk shows on cable. I am the actual writer of Beethoven's symphonies and all of Shakespeare's works. Despite the fact that I'm twelve I have a PHD in over seventy subjects. The rules of space and time don't apply to me."

"Dear god." said Hades. "I'm afraid you're making me so sick I'm having a seizure!"

"Don't worry, I have preformed more than seventy open heart surgeries using only a rusty razor and two kilograms of chlorine." said Mary.

"For the love of all things just let me die!" yelled Hades. I think I'm falling for this girl. I can't stop thinking about her, and how her hair falls so causally into another place instead of staying in one place. It's bewitching.

"Yeah." said Alex. "Well, I have over half off the world to repair. Gotta get going."

"You don't have to." said Mary. "I already repaired everything, rebuilt the government so that no one will have to pay taxes, ended poverty and homelessness and made free tuna casseroles for everyone."

'I wasn't serious." said Alex. "I just wanted to get outta of your company."

"Why does nobody like me?" asked Mary, burying her face in her hands, looking unbelievably hot as she did so. "I mean, it can't be my tragic past that was no fault of my own!"

"All right fine." said Alex. "Can't I say something really mean to you, then you go crying to Percy who will convince you that I'm wrong, and you will confront me and then I will see the error of my ways and worship you?" asked Alex.

"All right." said Mary, brightening up.

"I love you!" I yelled at the top of my voice. 'I love you so much! I love you so badly it's killing me inside! I want to grow old with you! I want to learn French so I can make witty and beautiful remarks about your general appearance!" Okay. That came out unexpectedly. Like Hades' constant vomiting.

" Uh, Percy I've already told you I'm not interested." said Alex. "I mean you're sweet and everything but."

"Not you! Her! I'm in love with her after only knowing her for three minutes!" I yelled.

Mary Sue blushed. "But what about Annabeth?" asked Hades, who was standing up.

"Who is Annabeth?" I asked. I hate it when they throw random names at me during my deep confessions of love.

"You can't remember Annabeth?" asked Alex, looking shocked.

"Uh, technically Annabeth does not exist anymore." said Hades, consulting his lap top. "According to this she and Percy never met because she was killed in a car accident seven years ago."

"It was no accident." said Mary, eyes flashing dangerously but oh so beautifully. "I knew she would come between me and my Percy so I went seven years back in time and pushed her in front of a train."

"You bitch!" yelled Alex. "I mean, Hades, I thought you said she was killed by a car." said Alex, changing his tone of voice.

"You can't expect me to always be sober while writing this." said Hades. I wonder who this Annabeth is?

"Come on Percy." said Mary. "You can't deny our undeniable feelings. Feel our feelings."

"I'm feeling it." said Hades. "I don't know what I'm feeling but I'm feeling it. Oh, it's just some more vomit." As Hades continued puking, I continued gazing into her eyes, which reminded me of deep calming lakes. Her hair was like a veil, which tried to hide her beautiful face.

"I don't know what you're thinking but stop it." said Alex. "You're giving me hives."

"Come Percy. We can be together forever. I will continue to love you and to do great things. Only we can stop forest fires." said Mary.

"I know." I said. "We can be very happy together." I walked closer to her. "Alex, can you burn her to death please, I couldn't do it myself."

"All right, I'm going to flame her to death!" yelled Hades and got out his laptop, and Alex readied a deadly flame in his hands.

"But we go perfectly together!" yelled Mary.

Yes, but you will steal my limelight." I said. Really, most people have no appreciation of who difficult it is to be me. "And I hate your name. And I think you dyed your hair and you are wearing colored contacts. So now, please die a horrible death."

"No!" she yelled. "This is not how it's supposed to end! I WILL BE" She was cut off.; Or burned off. Alex's fire killed her.

"No! The Armageddon flame!" yelled a bystander. "We are all doomed!" He was wrong. We were all saved.

**I supposed this will offend many people, but hopefully it will save more people than it offends. **


	2. Character Rape Incorporated

**Character Rape Incorporated**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. King for a Day is a Green Day song, which can be found on Nimrod.**

With apologies to Ivy dark light. But I've finally got around to reading your fic, and Hades hugged someone. It was all happy and pure. I'm sorry, but I feel too emotional to fully express my feelings on the matter, but it just seems...wrong. Alas, in no way meant to directly "flame" that story, this story contains warnings of character rape.

You know, lately everyone I know has been feeling a bit, fuzzy if you know what I mean. Everyone except Alex. He said he wasn't canon, and thus immune. Lucky bastard. It was getting too...weird for my liking. My thoughts are organized and polite. I'm also twice as sexy as normal and I'm falling in love with girls I've only just met. Everyone has changed. But for what sick purpose? Back to my existence! DAMMIT!

I was making my way down camp, walking fast when I was interrupted. By Mr. D . "Hello Percy, how are you?" asked Mr. D. "You may think I'm a sick bastard but I've actually been tragically misunderstood and now my goodness will shine through."

"Mr. D! Mr. D!" yelled a kid from the Apollo cabin. "I've just impaled my best friend!"

'Satyrs!" yelled Mr. D. "Let's go get grapes and then we'll all hope he gets better!" Okay, that was strange. It also didn't make much in the way of sense. I hate myself.

"My love, My love." sang Clarisse, Practicing her cheers. "Give me a C!" They threw her with a roughly carved wooden C. "Give me an A!" They threw her with a beautifully carved metal A. "Give me an M!" she yelled.

"But Clarisse!" said one of her friends. "We can never give up our M!" This is getting way to wrong. But the worst was yet to make an appearance. Fuck! Why can't I get this?

"Hello Percy!" said Hades. In black silk pants. With a pink t-shirt that says world's best dad. He pulled me forward and embraced me tightly. "Why haven't I been seeing you lately? Have you been avoiding me?"

"Hello Percy!' said Ares, walking into the camp like he owned one twelfth of it. "I'm here so you can humiliate me for strange reasons!" Okay. This is getting weird, but oddly satisfying.

"But humiliation is wrong!" said Hades, looking shocked. "We can't let that happen now can we? Let's have a sing-a-long instead!"

"Great idea!' said Mr. D. He linked arms with me and Hades. Ares linked arms with Hades. We started doing weird dance steps while singing:

_We are the gods, we are happy and proud!_

_We are tone deaf, dyslexic and loud!_

_We're also Fergalious! With the F to the e, to the e, r, g,i ,e! _

"Do a solo Hade!" said Mr. D encouragingly. " Satyrs! Back this up!" The satyrs gathered their instruments and fast tune formed. Hades started singing.

_Fergalious definition make those mortals go loco!_

_They don't want me to kill them so they leave sacrifices at my temple_

_But I'm the King of the Dead!_

_It started out at the age of four. Kronos tried to eat us all._

_He didn't think of our fat intake, it turned into a fatal mistake!_

_We overthrew him in his vintage suit, and I became the one and only_

_King of the Dead!_

_I can't see why crying while watching you eat is wrong!_

_King of the Dead!_

_My hugs are over twenty minutes long!_

_King of the Dead!_

_Whoo! One plus one is two- but only if it wants to be!_

"Hades!" said Mr. D. "That was not in tune!" I chose this moment to make my escape. I walked with long purposeful strides. Oh great. Now I have a vocabulary.

"Hello Percy!' said Annabeth, who had mysteriously returned from the dead. And I don't know why, but I hated her now. I saw all kinds of faults in her that only strange people looking for faults could see. But why?

"Hello Percy?" said Clarisse, who was looking fabulous. Her stringy brown fell beautifully onto her shoulders. Her face, when rid of that misunderstood leer, was beauty beyond compare. I think I was falling in love with her. It was lick being sick, but in a good way. See, I didn't want to spend anytime with her, yet, somehow I _needed_ to.

"Percy, have you met my pet spider, Larry?" asked Annabeth, holding up a strange spider.

"Percy do you want to see my large collection of things we have in common?" asked Clarisse. Oh no. If figured it out. Percy/Annabeth isn't being shipped. Someone is shipping Percy/Clarisse! Damn. All that's left is to submit myself to the self mutilation that comes with being Clarisse's boyfriend. On the plus side if the guys at my school messed with me I could get my girlfriend to beat them up.

"Hades!" said Poseidon angrily. And girly. An grilly grill. "Where were you last Tuesday? It was nail painting night!"

"Are you crazy?" asked Hades. "750 people die every year due to nail painting!"

"How is that even possible?" asked Poseidon. Hey! I thought he died, like, seven chapters ago. Weird.

"I was bored. I had to do something technically impossible." said Hades. Hmm. There's still a spark of his old personality beneath the other, thing. Hopefully, I'll be able to blow on it.

"So Percy, what do you think of my new outfit?" asked Clarisse. She was wearing a nauseatingly revealing cheerleaders outfit.

"Wow. You sure don't sweat a lot for a fat girl." I said. Now reread it. Yep, that has got to be the worst pick up line ever. Right after, you're pretty when I'm drunk. Although that's technically a song.

"Word up, my inevitable friend like compadres!" said the evil guard like guy on his chair. He was now reading a book entitled _Sufferers of erectile dysfunction unite! You have nothing to lose but a thing that doesn't even work!_ Wait! That sounds factual! What hell is going on? Cruelest dream reality! I must fix this! But how?

"Ha! Ha! You have erectile dysfunction!" said Annabeth. Hey! Erectile dysfunction is now laughing matter! It's a hard- wrong word- difficult problem.

"Stop being so mean!" said Clarrise. "Percy, why are you dating someone so mean? Date me instead!" Oh No! I cannot resist the offer. What is a boy to do? Help!

"I'm here!" said Alex. "I bet they didn't see that coming!" What the hell? Is this the apocalypse?

Suddenly all my friends seemed to be savage zombies. " OOC forever! OOC forever!" they moaned. "Join us Percy... Join us!" Whoa! Good thing I'm wearing dark pants.

"Fuck no!" said Alex. "Percy is not joining you! You will be defeated!"

"But how?" I asked. They were coming closer.

"We could flame them, but that just encourages this kind of thing. No. The best thing is the direct approach." said Alex. "Now, cover your ears. YOU ARE OUT OF CHARACTER!" yelled Alex. "GET BACK IN! OTHERWISE I'M CANCELING OUR ANNUAL BARBEQUE!"

"Fine." said Hades. "Ruin our fun." All right. I think I speak for all of us when I say WTF?

**Author Notes: I'm thinking of continuing this thread like story. Actually I wrote this because the story was on some alert lists, and I hate to disappoint. So why did I write this chapter? I've also been thinking of turning this story into one of those Schools of how to write fan fiction stories. On a lighter note, Deadly alliance's second chapter, will be out shortly.**

**Henry.R.Weasly. Theleafylord does not approve of your review. Ten points shall be taken from Gryffindor. **

**Becky Creighton: This chapter marks another foe, which must be bludgeoned to death with random blunt objects.**

**Bloomingautor7: I don't flame. I write long winded stories which show my views. **

**A great and terrible beauty: Yes. I got nothing.**

**Firemasteryjy: They will face his sickly laugh. That is the future! **


	3. School of Percy Jackson fanfiction

**School Of Percy Jackson fan fiction**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. **

**Chapter 1: Meet the Leafy Lord and his magical collection of ordinary leaves.**

Theleafylord, also known as The Leafy Lord, sat on his chair. He was surrounded by a large collection of leaves. Oak leaves, spruce, even two palm tree leaves. He was ready to begin.

"My fellow, things." he said. "Yesterday I had an idea. We can turn the, Along comes Mary story into a school of Percy Jackson story, featuring random things and using the first two chapters as the curriculum."

"One problem with that." said the Spruce leave. "You have no talent whatsoever. Also, you're a moron."

"That's insubordination." said theleafylord coldly. "If you say something like that again I'm getting out the old magnifying glass."

"My lord, we leaves have realized we do not really talk. We are actually the result of your mind playing itself on reality." said the Oak leave.

"So I actually thought that really intelligent thought that you just voiced. Guess that makes me a genius." said theleafylord.

"One problem with that theory, my lord. You are totally insane." said the palm leave.

"Whatever." said theleafylord. " I think it's time I seek out my staff and class. I think it's time that I should leave."

**In the Bedroom of Becky Creighton:**

Becky was sitting in her room, quietly reading when the doom of all came. Or something like that anyway. A faint whisper went through the room, when suddenly, the roof broke and theleafylord landed on her floor. "Hello. I'm the Lord of all leaves and I'm here to recruit you for reasons that make no sense." said theleafylord.

"Wait. How did you get in here?" asked Becky.

"Through the roof. I thought the gaping hole made it obvious." said theleafylord.

"I mean, how did you get in my house? How did you get in my country?" asked Becky.

"I can run very fast." said theleafylord.

"Across two continents and three major oceans?" asked Becky incredulously.

"Uh, yeah." said theleafylord. "So I need you to help me with my evil-

"Who's in your room?" came a voice from the hallway. "Is it a boy? Is he hygienic? Does he still have all his teeth?"

"I'm the tooth fairy. Fuck off!" yelled theleafylord.

The door was about to open. Theleafylord snapped his fingers. And they disappeared.

With a blinding flash of light both of them landed in the middle of a forest. "Where are we?" asked Becky.

"The forbidden forest. We're hijacking Hogwarts to turn it into the school of Percy Jackson fan fiction." said theleafylord.

"Do you even hear what you're thinking?' asked Becky. However theleafylord started walking in his long stride.

"When we get to Albus let me do the talking. I will convince him to give us the school." said theleafylord.

Ignoring the surprised gazes of many of the students theleafylord and Becky strode through the hall towards Albus's office. "Technically we are in the Goblet of fire." said theleafylord. "So the password should accordingly be, Cockroach Cluster." the gargoyle sprang open. Theleafylord and Becky walked in, ready to engage in a mighty battle of wits with the greatest sorcerer who ever lived.

"Who are you?" asked Albus Dumbledore as they entered.

"I'm the mighty leafy lord, ruler of all England, and this is my associate, Becky Creighton." said theleafylord.

"And what can I do for you?" asked Albus politely.

"You can piss of, and take all your students and staff with you, and sign it over to me, so that I can turn it into the school of Percy Jackson fan fiction." said theleafylord.

"And if I refuse?" asked Albus.

Theleafylord took out a packet of lemon sherbet and a lighter. "I'll burn this sherbet with the lighter! Oh! Look how close the flame is to the packet!" said theleafylord.

Becky sighed. Now it was up to her. " Mister Dumbledore, we know about the prophecy." she said. Ignoring Albus shocked expression and theleafylords yelp after he burned his fingers she continued. "Now, I have an idea. You take Harry, and everyone else who works in Hogwarts, out on a fishing trip." Albus' interest began to show. Theleafylord tried to put out the fire he started on the left book case. "Then you can have parades, multiple fishing ventures, circumcisions and such and in the end, when everyone is incredibly happy you can reveal the awful truth to Harry." Albus' eyes moistened. Theleafylord's had quite the opposite effect.

"By golly I'll do it! I'll get the staff and the students and the elves and even Hagrid and we'll go to the Vaal Dam and fish! Yes! You're a genius!" said Albus and walked away.

Theleafylord took Albus's seat. Becky took another seat. "At last our base of operations is established." said theleafylord. "Now let me tell you our purpose. We are here to train and shape the PJO section, and ensure all evil does not claim it."

"Stop being so damn random." said Becky. "I mean, the fact that we're in Hogwarts is strange enough, but now there's a strange evil hunting us? What are you smoking?"

Theleafylord didn't smile. He rarely did. "I was there. I was there, ten thousand , uh hours ago, when the Eragon section fell due to the sheer weight of the Mary Sue's and Character rape. A last alliance of brilliant writers and anti' sue assembled on the plains for one final strike. Our flames, criticisms and outright hatred did not save us. In the end, when there was no hope left, when we we're sure the section would become covered in Mary' sue, we fucked off to different sections. I came here, to the PJO section. Where the others are now, I cannot say."

"Oh great." said Becky. "Now we're ripping off Lord of the Rings."

"With luck we'll be able to rip off Dragon Ball Z later." said the Leafy Lord. "Now, to assemble our students...

**Rewiev responses! Yay!**

**Bloomingauthor7: I never said he was.**

**A great and terrible beauty: I swear the next chapter will be far less random than this one. Honest!**

**Physo Girl: You don't have to wait anymore. By the way, Physco is spelled wrong.**

**Henry. the. fifth: If you can't spell Gryffindoor, should you really be allowed in Ravenclaw?**

**Author Notes: The next chapter will be less random. If you want to be in the story, just say so. The next characters who are about to be introduced to the story is Physco Girl, A great and terrible beauty, and Harrison. F. Ord.**


	4. Offensive Flaming

**School of Percy Jackson fan fiction**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain**

**Chapter 3: Ofenceive flaming**

**Note: I know it's misspelled. **

A dark swarm of psychotic energy swirled around the theleafylord. He had made a list. He was checking it twice. "Hmm." he said slowly. "It seems we'll be able to pick up three students today."

"Really?" asked Becky. "Only three?"

"More will come." said the Leafy lord.

"You're still on lord of the rings." said Becky.

"That's unimportant." said theleafylord, and muttered something unintelligible. Three house elves appeared. "Cool! We still have total control over the house elves!"

"We have an army of poorly dressed elves at our command? You know what we should do right?" asked Becky.

"Yes, let's go shopping!" yelled theleafylord.

"This is hopeless." said Becky. "I'll try to organize things. You go get the other students." With a flash of cheap stage lights, theleafylord was gone.

**In the so called area where A great and terrible beauty resides:**

Theleafylord appeared at a school. A school that could not be described. He walked through the halls towards some shocked students. "Hello, my name is theleafylord. I'm extremely good with my hands. Do you know where a great and terrible beauty is?"

said theleafylord to a strange group of girls.

"Uh, who are you?" asked one of them, obviously not intimidated by Theleafylord's dashingly good looks.

"Damn. It seems clear to me you're a moron." said theleafylord. "Whatever. What if I make strange hand symbols until you tell me where a great and terrible beauty is?"

"Uh, I'm known as a great and terrible beauty on Fanfiction. Net." said a girl who seemed to be walking past.

"Oh. I'm theleafylord. I'm extremely good with my hands. We know have to leave for Hogwarts." said theleafylord. "Come as you are or wear wool."

"Wait, what?" asked A great and terrible beauty.

"Ok. I'm going to teleport us to mystical lands now. Lands so mystical they are known as Scotland. Now come." he suddenly grabbed her wrists, and they disappeared with a flash of light.

**At the house of Hear. M. Saythis(say it fast!)**

Hearsay. A. Guy was sitting in his so called room when there was a muffled thud in his closet. "Oh crap. There are aliens in my closet. What was it that Darwin said about this sort of situation?" he asked, seemingly of nothing. Or maybe a strange invisible pet dragon.

The door opened. "He said never trust little aliens." Said theleafylord. "But don't worry. I'm not an alien. I'm actually a strange and disturbed teenager with the ability to define reality in whatever ways suit me." Henry nodded.

"Wait, you can do anything?" asked a Great and, well you get the idea.

"Pretty much. But only in a structured environment. I am very good with my hands. So, shall we leave then?" asked theleafylord.

"Leave? Where are we going?" asked Henry. S. Death.

"To Hogwarts, where we preformed a regime change. Specifically, I replaced Albus Dumbledore." said theleafylord.

"All right, I guess it can be fun- Theleafylord grabbed him. And they stood there for three minutes."What are we waiting for.?" asked Henry.L. Insert.

"For a flash of light. Otherwise it just doesn't look cool." said theleafylord. A great and terrible beauty slapped him. "All right fine, but you wait until where in school." A flash of darkness accompanied their departure.

**At the school of Physco Girl : **

All three of them landed in the middle of what seemed to be the school's assembly. The principle, who thankfully will remain anonymous, appeared to be shocked. "I say, what are you doing here?" he asked.

Theleafylord walked up to him. "Uh, pardon my French, but Le fuck you." said theleafylord. He then punched the principle straight across the jaw. He fell like Donald Trumps stock values. "Hello students.' he cried, throwing his arms in a half arch. "Do we have a Physco girl here?" Several guys pointed to the girl sitting next to them.

"I don't know him." whispered A great and terrible beauty. "I don't know him at all."

"Right then. To we have a girl who's named Physco girl on Fanfiction. Net?" asked theleafylord. Only one girl raised her hand. He walked over to her. "Right then. I'm theleafylord. I'm extremely good with my hands. I would like to wipe all of your memories, but I will have to take a photo with this camera and laugh as you're blinded." A snapshot, the grabbing of three people, and they were off towards Hogwarts.

**In the transfiguration classroom**

"Hello students." said theleafylord, now dressed in wizarding robes. "This is an intro class, featuring an important lesson. During this semester, nay this experience, you are not to flame others work. I will now give you an extremely boring and unnecessary speech about flaming."

"Flaming, also know as leaving shit bad rewievs, is a foul practice used by many people. Often fics are so badly written that they need to flamed, deleted, and the author forced to never write again, but more often, it's simply a matter of taste. See, generally, people's views about the books in the library differ. What one person likes, other may hate with the fury of a thousand suns. On fanfiction. Net, people tastes are generally similar because they seem to enjoy the same type of book and each book has an individual section. The most profound area is Harry Potter, where even brilliant stories are flamed due to sheer amount of people browsing it, and then again due to the difference between people's taste. For instance, I saw a story that had more than five thousand rewievs, almost all asking the person to update. And yet there was a flame that claimed that no one cared weather or not he updated. As you can see, most flamers are morons."

"As you may have noted, I'm not that fond of romance fics. But other people are. I do not reweiv such fics for the fear that my views are shortsighted, which they often are. As you may have noticed, there are a grand total of three flames in the Percy Jackson section. Or three that I could find anyway. And one of them was directed at fall of the sea god. It was written by "Ha Ha U suk" and it said "This is the most shit I have read." It took me three days to realize this was not a compliment, and two more weeks when I realized that Ha Ha U suk, was in fact, not his pen name. I silently wondered what he was referring to. He didn't really state it in his so called rewiev. So please, if you're going to flame me, tell me what's wrong with the story. I will know like to tell you a story about the after effects that flames had on me people, even on me."

"Once, long ago, there was a boy who kept insulting people and putting them down.. His grandfather, beyond pissed off by now, asked him to put a nail in the fence for every person he insulted that day. He also explained to him that insulting was wrong. He kept putting nails in the fence, until eventually, he didn't have to put a nail in the fence. His grandfather then told him to take one nail out every day he didn't insult somebody. Then one day, the boy called his grandfather, and told him there was no more nails in the fence. The grandfather looked at the holes In his fence, when suddenly the fence collapsed. The boy, being the fucking moron who he is, had even taken out the nails that was keeping the fence together. His grandfather then angrily beat the shit out of him and made him work at a chicken farm until he made enough money to repair the fucking fence. Thank you. Now, wake up. The school of Percy Jackson fanfiction is about to begin...

**Author Notes: Yay! Another chapter of this so called story. The next chapter of Deadly Alliance is going to be a bit late. I've been really busy, but I'm going to start working on it tomorrow. Anyway, I'd like to send out a warning to Physco Girl and A great and terrible beauty. I'm not really good with writing from a girl's point of view, for various reasons. The biggest one is probably that I don't spend that much time with girls. My afore mentioned dashingly good looks ruined it for me. See, I'm what you'd call a misfit. Me and two of my friends are the only guys in the whole school who aren't obsessed with R en B and Hip Hop. So, I'm naturally an outsider. But one time, a really scary girl got a major crush on me. We were bitter enemies and she send me SMS's that said stuff like, it was the hate that made me like you. It scared the living piss out of me. She wasn't exactly ugly, but she was about a foot taller than me and really not my type. Remember, I'm almost six feet tall. So, in short, I've been scared of tall girls ever since. So if the girls are doing something weird in the story, or acting in ways different than the ways most girls act, please tell me. Now, have you ever read author notes longer than that?**

**Rewiev Responses: Or are they?**

**Henry are Willaims: To spice up boring vanilla ice cream, fill half a microwaveable bowl with ice cream. Never more, because it can boil over if it's too full. Microwave it for two minutes. Add a tea spoon of hot chocolate or Milo power and enjoy. Warning: May leave strange aftertaste.**

**Physco Girl: You made me realise I hate my spel checker.**

**A great and terrible Beuaty: Your rewiev was randomly chosen to be answered third.**

**Firemasterytjy: Thanks. Is it okay if you appear in the next chapter?**


	5. Justify the T rating

**Justify the T rating**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain.**

**Warning:** If you value your, mental health, sanity, state of mind, insurance policy, indoor plumbing, decent humor, or your pets, don't read this part of the fic. This is a random one shot featuring Josh and other weird things, such as the Oracle. Whatever. Anyway, this isn't a continuation of school of Percy Jackson fan fiction, this is just another random and badly written as always one shot.

I was standing outside Mr. D's evil camp councilors cabin. "You remember how you called me a loser all these years?" I called.

"Yeah, but remember Perseus, it is completely justified. You suck." answered Mr. D.

"Well, now I'm fucking Grove on you lawn! How do you like them apples?" I yelled at the top of my voice.

**Back to the present...**

"Wait, is this really going to happen?" I asked the Oracle.

"Yesssssssssssss." answered the Oracle. "Also your request to get a student loan will be deniedddddddddd."

"Did you just lisp on a d?" I asked.

" Knowing the future is jusssst one of my many talents. I can make you a triple cappuchinnnno latte if it weren't for the fact I cannnnn't move." said the Oracle.

"Whatever. So, what else doe the future have in store for me?" I asked.

**To the future...**

Me and Josh were walking down a long an winding road, when suddenly two really pretty girls walked up to us. The girl on the left smiled at me.

"Do you know what you are?" she asked.

"An altered fictional character used in a story by a mediocre fanfic writer that currently reads like something vaguely resembling a cheap rip off of the brilliant original?" I suggested.

"My god he knows what he is..." said the other girl.

"That's hot." said the other girl.

"Oh crap." said Josh. "It's it's it's. you know who!"

"Oh fuck!" I yelled. "Quick, write my will and cancel all my incoming mail!"

"Not that you know who I meant..." began Josh.

**Back to the Present...**

"Why do you always quit at the good part?" I asked, shaking slightly. I had opened a packet of Fritos. Now this was entertainment.

"I could back to my previosssssssss story." said the Oracle. "To the part where you were silently grabbing parts of his leg hair and"

"No thanks." I said quickly. "Do you have anything with me and Annabeth?"

"Yesssssss." said the Oracle.

**To the future...**

I was standing in the middle of camp. Calmly surveying everything around me. When suddenly I noticed that if I tilted my head slightly I can see straight into the Athena cabin, when suddenly.

"Hello Percy what're you doing?" asked Annabeth.

"Nothing nothing." I said quickly. "Definitively not having vivid fantasies. No siree no." Ha ha! I lied!

"Oh, you're back at the Grover, thing, again. Percy while I understand that you're in love it's just, creepy. And I'm pretty sure it's unhygienic." said Annabeth. Gahhhh! What did my future self get me into? Or him into? Or the state in which I'm in the future into? Gah!

"I I I , is a letter?" I tried.

"Whatever. I need you to get my pet rock collection out of the bottom of the lake." said Annabeth.

"You have a pet rock collection?" I asked.

"I soon will have one." said Annabeth.

"Right." I said walking over to the lake. I took off my shirt.

"Oh now there's something everyone can enjoy." said Grover, licking his lips.

**Back in the Present...**

" For the love of hate break! Break! Stop telling me this!" I yelled.

"Right you wuss. You just can't take good old fashioned multi species porn. Now the old hero's, they could handle it. And they did handle it. Extremely well." said the Oracle.

"Okay, do you have anything less disturbing? Maybe something with aliens?" I asked.

"I hate today's youth." said the Oracle. "But I also hated yesterday's youth so what's new?"

**In the future...**

I was standing on top of the empire state building while a troll, a penguin and a lawyer started to eat the moon. When suddenly small green people landed on the earth.

"Hello. We are form the planet Ground and we want to talk to your leader." said the first green guy. Oh fuck.

"I don't know how to break this to you, but our leader is a moron." I said. "Can't we just go to a KFC and chill?" I asked.

"Oh. We prepared for this eventuality. Prepare total planetary destruction." said the other green guy.

"Wait, you're still on the planet. Shouldn't you get off first?" I asked.

"Aren't you supposed to be panicking? Or even wondering in awe due to our alienness?" asked the green guy.

"Panicking is over rated." I said. "Say, why don't we take off all our clothes and start running through the neighborhood."

"Wait are, you trying to distract us from our goal of killing you all?" asked the green guy.

"No , no. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship." I said.

**Back to the present...**

"Wait did any of this shit really happen?" I asked.

"No, I wasssss jusssst yankkkking your chain. Let me tell you the real future...

**Author's notes: Now musically uninfluenced.**

**The along comes mary story thing is now divided in three parts. If it's updated, it will either be a School of Percy Jackson fanfiction, a random one shot, or another strange discussion with the Oracle. **

**Rewiev Responses: If you're reading this, then you probably shouldn't. **

**Henry. R. Ingo: If it weren't for the allergies and the fact that I have no idea what cyeanne pepper is, I would try that.**

**A great and terrible beauty: Okay then. Lets leave it at that and hope it doesn't show it's ugly face again.**

**Physco(Phyco) girl: Nah, that sounds to hard.**

**Firemasterytjy: Thanks.**

**Bugzattack: Send my salutations to the bugz.**


	6. Fondues and Don'ts

**Fondues and Don'ts**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling. Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain.**

Harry stared at Voldemort, great feeling running through his mighty wand. "Avada Kedevra!' Yelled Harry. Voldemort yelled the same thing. And nothing happened.

"Potter, for some strange reason I'm finding myself unable to kill you. What's up with that?" asked Voldemort.

Suddenly Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasly, a lot of death eaters and an Albus Dumbledore shaped zombie ran up to them. "Terrible news." said Hermione. " For some reason, none of our magic is working. It's probably just a temporal thing."

"Wait, so I have been reduced to the level of a mere squib?" asked Voldemort, frowning.

"Guess so." said Harry, drawing the sword of Gryffindor. "So you wanna go melee or do you just want to make a fondue or something?"

"A fondue?" asked Voldemort. "Are you crazy? Do you know what fatty foods do to my complexion? And this kind of skinniness doesn't come easily." said Voldemort.

" Well, what if we agree to try an kill each other afterwards. Then you will either die, or get a decent chance to work the food down." said Harry.

"Yes." said Voldemort. "But what if it is poisoned by you? I could die."

"We can only die at each other's hands, so what if we order my friends and your servants to make the food?" asked Harry.

"Yes, but if you order say Hermione to Poison my food, wouldn't that be indirectly by your hands?" asked Voldemort.

"Perhaps." said Harry. "It's a cheesy situation."

**Meanwhile, In the school of Percy Jackson fan fiction...**

"Okay seriously. Do you write this stuff or are you just slamming on the keyboard?" asked Physco girl. For some demented reason, they were still on the topic of flames.

"I felt I had to give you an example of a story that ought to be flamed." said Theleafylord, also known as theleafylord. "Now, I will give you some complimentary reasons why stories are flamed, which often reflect a broken sort of guidelines. You must follow these guidelines and to write a good story and avoid getting flamed."

"Question." said A great and terrible beauty. "Doesn't the story's content matter?"

"Don't be silly." said theleafylord. "Now here is a of things which act as fire lighters in stories..." Dot dot etc.

**Focusing too much on one type of story telling: too much romance , too little adventure, -too many sixteen candles not enough touch me.**

**Writing out of charcaterness: Making a likable character evil, or overly horny.**

**Ignoring puctionation, grammar, proper spelling , logic and those fascinating little moments that make you feel all warm inside.**

**Creating a steady flow of story telling but fracturing it to include sometimes nearly unessaecery detail which is interesting. Can effectively be used in the humor setting, not much anywhere else.**

**A.N. These are the biggest problem with most stories that I do not like. If you have any other, do tell.**

"Now." said the leafylord. "My evil plan for ridding the Pjo (respect) section of Mary Sue's is to asked the authors really politely to delete their stories."

"That sounds like a simple plan." said A great and terrible beauty.

"No. This sounds like simple plan." said theleafylord, fine tuning his bass guitar. "Henry, are you on the drums?"

"Duh." said Henry. J . Walker. "Why do you think I haven't been participating on the lesson?"

"Curses!" yelled the leafy lord. "We forgot the lead guitarist!"

"Did I hear my que?" asked firmasterytjy, stepping smartly out of the shadows and strumming his guitar.

"I knew I should have gotten electric lights." said theleafylord. "So, lets do this. Have you ever- Firemasterytjy played a note in A minor. "You fool!" yelled theleafylord. 'Don't you know that playing A minor on an electric guitar while practicing simple plan songs with one guy on the bass and another on the drums awakens the queen on all Mary Sues???????!!!????9909009?"

"No, I can honestly say I did not know that." said Firemasteytjy.

"There's only one thing to do." said theleafylord, cold sweat forming on his forehead.

"Yep." said Harry. D. Guy.(Say it fast!) "Dress up in casltevania out fits and use the awesome powers of Dracula to crush her evil soul forever."

"I like your style but no." said theleafylord.

"Who's the queen of Mary Sue's?" asked Physco girl.

"Ginny Weasly." said theleafylord. "She will kill us all if we don't- A faint buzzing interrupts theleafylord's monologue. "Oh damn. I see Becky has you now for Plot design. Don't see why you need one anyway. By now!" said Theleafylord and disappeared with a flash of cheap stage lights as the class left, on their next ill fated journey.

**Author Notes: (Not including A minor)**

**Yep, the school of fanfics is back up. Anyway, If you're out of character, tell me. Got to go now. Toodles.**

**Henry. J. Walker: I love the oracle for the way he cunningly plays on the words, and leaves clues on true identities, and the true nature of a quest. (Nudge, Nudge. Wink, Wink. Know what I mean?**


	7. The end of good writing

**The end of good writing**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. All the words belong to the English Language, with the exception of jacket. They didn't want it anymore.**

A mighty half blood strode the desolate fields, slowly taking in the destruction the monster left in it's wake. The warrior silently swore to avenge them. He went by many names. Percy, Perseus and in the case of one possibly mentally retarded hobo, as Arthur. But this was not the Percy Jackson we read of in the stories, oh dear me no. This was Perseus, the legendry slayer of the gorgon Medusa. This is the story of one of his second greatest battles.

He walked into the ancient Greek town ( not ancient to him, but ancient to all people about, say, two thousand years into the future) . The scratch marks of chickens were lined across the streets. Even chickens fled before the beast. Perseus grip on his sword tightened. His left hand went instinctively to his Sickle. The Sickle with which he slew

Medusa.

"Help." came a voice, flowing weakly across the towns desolate streets. Perseus ran towards the source of the sound, and pulled up short at the sight of a man, moaning softly and desperately clutching his side. "Help." he repeated.

"Wait." said Perseus. "There's no blood, guts or even a piece of splintered wood. Are you faking? Oh, this is not some kind of cheap come on right? Cause believe me, I've had enough of that kind of thing. The Oracle told me I could make a multi species porn video the way I act, but hey, I don't even know what a video is. He tried to explain it to me, said it was moving pictures. But, he sees into the future right. Says just when the world starts getting good, everything falls apart. Anywho, nice seeing you. If you'll excuse me I'll just be going." As you may have noted, Persues loved the sound rain made when it hit the ground, but mostly he just loved the sound of his own voice.

"No you bastard." said the man. "The foul beast attacked me. I'm bleeding inside."

"Look , you came out of it fine." said Perseus. "No need to get upset about it."

"I mean I'm bleeding internally. No! It's behind you! Kill it! Do it for the children! Do it for little porcelain puppies! Please, mister hero guy.

"It" which currently stood behind Persues was a foul thing to behold or even to gaze into the general direction of. Luckily, it wouldn't produce any offspring because it inherited it's father's sterility. It had deadly claws, massive wings, and flashing nostrils. It relied on smell, because constant masturbation had robbed it's sight. Therefore few believed in it, regarding it to be a myth. It wasn't a monster, or a man. It was something far more evil. Also somewhat more hygienic. "Cluck." went Anthony, the evil, left handed chicken accountant. Perseus, was about to face his greatest challenge yet.

**To be continued(Unfortunately)...**

"As you've probably guessed theleafylord tired to prove that a plot is necessary for a story to be good." said Becky. "As you can see, he once again understated his own words. Please people, for the sake of literacy, don't write this kind of crap."

The class nodded as one, except for Heysa.D.Timeber. He fell asleep half way through.

"Now, the main reason for stories to be unable to continue, is lack of a plot. Often the author finds himself unable to keep on writing, simply because the aren't sure which way the story should go. A contrarians point to this is the leafylords own style, which is so bad that people forget there can possibly be a plot hidden in that mess. Now class, you have break until I manage to sober theleafylord up. Your dismissed." The class left, great full that hey shall hopefully never have to read that kind of crap again, but the to be continued to haunt their minds, and a rock collector who happened to stumble upon the school of Hogwarts. After the several recurring nightmares, he gave up and became a chiropractor.

Becky went to theleafylords office. She entered, theleafylords office. She was then inside, theleafylords office. Inside theleafylords office, stood an attorney, a house elf, and a leafylord. The leafylord in fact.

"Mr. Theleafylord." said the attorney. "I'm a representative from the ministry of magic and have reason to believe you have somehow convinced the entire attendance of our prestigious school to stop learning and go on a fishing trip. No for some reason, all our grade averages re up seventeen thousand percent. You must tell me, how do you do it?"

"That, can be discussed later, at comfortable leisure. Right now we have a problem. The queen of all mary sues has awakened in my school, and quite frankly, I'm very nervous. You may have guessed from my dark pants."

"Oh, not this crap again." said the attorney. "Your our fourtieth case this month, we sent out all those pamphlets warning people not to play a note in A minor while practicing simple plan songs with one guy on the base and another on the drums, but do they listen? No!"

"Is this a bad time?" asked Becky.

"Yes." said theleafylord. "You have no idea how bad..."

**Author Notes: Heed my warning. Don't play in A minor. Don't do drugs or heave alchol either. Come on, I asked nicely.**

**A great and terrible beauty: I bet you can't wait for the top stories continuation right? Any who, all school of Percy Jackson fics will start with a badly written story.**

**Half. A. Can: Thank you. It came to me in a brief burst of inspiration. It was briefs, but very short.**

**Blooming Author: She's not funny yet everyone laughs at her lame stunts (like ramming into that Smith guy, she almost fatally killed him and that's hilarious), she is supposedly an extremely powerfull witch, despite the fact that we never read of her suspisicious bat bogey hex, she has bright red hair, so she probably resembles Harry's mum, and for some reason, Harry is in love with her, despite ingnoring her for like, her entire life up to a certain point. **


	8. A true leader

**A true leader**

**Disclaimer: HP belongs to Jk Rowling. PJO belongs to Rick Riordian**

An attentive reader might ask himself "why am I reading this crap" or, "If Harry has just completed the triwizard tournament, then the government must be trying to discredit him. The story will now be completely unreadable. Though I will never admit it. The story will entwine, with an insane version of Harry Potter 5, with a whole bunch of other people who will also enroll. This has pretty much changed into a crossover. Hopefully, it won't be too bad. Also, this is pretty much a bridge chapter, not really a funny one.

**Meanwhile, after the return of Voldemort, the government has decided to do what they do best: lie and hope it goes away.**

Fudge was sitting in his office, with his two most trusted deputes, Dawlish, and some guy he met called Jim, who was rather nice. He had apparently been Fudge's secretry since he started but Fudge had never met him, until that faithfull day that he did meet him.

"Gentlemen." began Fudge. "It would seem that our proud hero, Harry Potter, and the guy that everyone wanted to do my job, and the most powerful sorcerer in the world, Albus Dumbledore, has gone completely insane."

"Are you sure my minister?" asked Dawlish.

"Yes quite sure. They're currently, for whatever dubious reasons, I can not imagine, trying to act like Lord Voldyguy, is back. It's all rather distressing. Now instead of finding out, why they're doing it, I suggest we begin a smear campaign against them, and ignore all possible threats, that may threaten us." said Fudge.

"Oh, I have it." said Jim. "We can have Harry Potter arrested for the murder of Cedric Diggory! Oddly suspicious, that they came out of the portkey alone isn't it?"

"You fucking liberal minded bastard. That makes about as much sense as freedom of the press!" yelled Dawlish.

"I agree." said Fudge. "Lets face it. We aren't geniuses. That plan is too complicated. Lets just mock them and hope no one is foolish enough too believe them."

"Sounds good." said Dawlish. "I'll just go and force our view upon the Daily Porphet shall I?"

"Yes you shall. Now Jim, go handle the new intern. Apparently she has something called, free thinking, Or maybe it's the flu. Or quite possibly it could be heameerroids. But don't judge him. It's not her fault."

**Ten minutes later...**

"Hello, Mrs. Umbridge is it?" asked Jim, reeling slightly at the hideous sight that was before him. He felt glad that he listened when Fudge said that eating was overrated. So far attendance at work had been lowered but they work around that.

"Yes." said the woman. "I'm here about a job interwiev, but first I have a couple of questions for you." She was the epitome of evil, complete with that damn annoying girlish voice and toadlike face. "Firstly, are any special skills required? You know, potion making, Defence skills, because, unfortunately, I'm completely useless at everything except making people's life miserable."

"Then you'll go far here." said Jim. "You don't have to worry about competence. Even if you're completely incompetent, we'll just bounce you around from department to department until you eventually get killed in a plot to revive the dark lord."

"You fucking liberal minded asshole." said Fudge. "Get him boys!" And twenty dementors swooped down, and ate Jim's soul. "Oh, I do apologize about that." said Fudge. "Anyway, I'll need a new, easily manipulated under secretary. Guess you're it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the wizengemot, of whatever. Off to try Harry Potter."

**At the court...**

"Mister Potter." began Fudge acidly. "Is it true that you stuck a fishing pole through Draco Malfoy's chest?"

Yes, but." said Harry and fell silent.

"But what?" asked Fudge

"Lord Voldemort is back." said Harry. Gasps, shocked expressions, and little gymnasts filled the court, due to a mathematical anomaly.

"That is an irrelevant lie." said Fudge. "Make sure your lies are relevant in the future. Now, is it true you then laughed at him, yelling, "HA!Ha!Ha!" and then finally "Ha!"

"Yes, but." said Harry.

"No buts. Only hineys." said Fudge. "And, is it true, that you then preformed a little happy dance, that contained several obscene hand gestures?"

Well, yeah, but it was all in good taste." said Harry.

"Can we really judge him?" asked Madam Bones. "From what I hear, Mr. Malfoy is a sniveling bastard with a very stab able chest. I say we give him a four year sentence, then clear him of all charges."

"Very well." said Fudge. "I say we should, kill him. You may now vote." Unfortunately for the Fudge administration, the Wisenmagot voted in favor of Harry Potter not being killed. "Well then." said Fudge bitterly. "I should probably have tried him with half the court, removing all his sympathizers, but hey, sensible thinking has never been my strong point. In fact it has been my week point since I was born. Anyway, all the people who voted in favor of Harry Potter, are to be executed. Court dismissed. And Harry left, to return to Hogwarts, which he wasn't quite sure what happened to.

**Hogwarts...**

So, you see." said Jim. "That's what we need you to do. Make sure no one believes Harry Potter and Dumbledore's filthy lies."

"Wait, If your soul was sucked out, why are you still working?" asked Becky.

"You don't need a soul to work in the government." said Jim.

"Right." said Becky. "But your real liberal minded, so how do we now you didn't hallucinate this whole thing and actually started to believe what you said?"

"Don't mind the non believer." said Theleafylord. "I accept. Which teaching position am I to take?"

"Creative writing." said Jim. "Incidentally, you won't believe how many wizards can't spell. It plays havoc with their spell casting. And you'll be allowed to continue your Fanfiction school, providing that all your students reenlist us students in Hogwarts."

"But they don't have magical powers." said Becky.

"Yet." said Jim. 'This is all top secret but there is no such thing as Muggle borns. Muggle borns are actually ordinary muggles who had been bitten by radioactive Hippogriffs. It happens all too often. The department of mysteries discovered it by accident, and then used it to create a plot of something called Spiderman. They use the profits for even more freaky experiments."

"Excellent." said theleafylord. "How much are the radioactive Hippogriffs, and where can I get one?"

"The students sure won't be seeing this coming." said Becky.

**Later, in the dorms...**

"Hey, what is that Hippogriff...No!!!!" yelled Henow.M.Agical. "Hey, I'm magical! Ha!"

**So, every student in the school of fan fiction had become magical, and would enroll into Hogwarts, in the next semester. The next semester came quickly.**

**The next semester...scared you, didn't we?**

Minerva stood at the head of the table, staring at the mass of new students. She had to admit, there were a lot more students than normal. She stared calling out names, which were strange in details, such as A great and terrible beauty, Eragon, B5Mustang, Firemasterytjy, nothing too strange until Henry. James and then.

"Percy Jackson." called Professor McGonagall, and there was much rejoicing.

**Athour Notes: Yes, the queen of Mary sues is coming for the semester, and this story will now host a whole lot of characters. Guessing where Percy belongs is impossible, since even I don't know. Anyway, if the fic's premise is becoming really bad, please tell me. Off I go.**

**Rewiev Responses:**

**Bloomingauthor7: Ginny is a mary sue. The reasons are quite simple. i.e. she doesreally stupid things and Harry rescues her, and she somehow replaced Hermione as the heroine of the book.**

**Spicy Shani: Thank you. Hopefully I didn't completely ruin the story now.**

**A great and terrible beauty:**


	9. The unreal in reality

**The Unreal in Reality**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. I know a lot of times, I joke about my writing being bad, okay maybe I just tell you that because I have no Kenny G cd's, but this, I don't even know why I wrote it. It's long pointless, and going to be continued constantly. If you like my style of writing you won't enjoy it. If you don't like my style of writing, you won't enjoy it. I mean, read the damn disclaimer, does this really look like something you want to read. I don't think so. I think it's a waste of perfectly good space or an indecent attempt to make the story look longer than in it. Anyway, before I get any more hypocritical, remember, this is an arms race.**

Chaos. Doom. Lettuce. And all kinds of bad pick up lines. I don't know what's going on, but at the moment, the world seems to have gone crazy. Make that crazier than normal. Nothing makes sense. For some reason, things happen according to some kind of divine plot, and everything else seems to like, I don't know. Just give up and let it happen. Not that should happen, that could happen to contradict this evil is showing up. For some reason, the very world seems to be altered for my convenience. Kids don't swear. People have morals. Good prevails. That kind of thing. Back to my life!

"Annabeth, do I seriously have to introduce the new campers to camp half blood?" I asked.

"Yes." said Annabeth. "It's very important that you meet someone who's coming today."

"Great." I said. "Sarcastically. Here comes one of them now. Bleah. The very sight of them makes me sick to my stomach. Occasionally it bangs down to my knees. Retch."

"Percy, what are you talking about?" aksed Annabeth. "None of the campers look that bad."

"Oh yeah? What about that guy?" I asked, pointing to a guy who was rolling around in the mud. Can't blame him I suppose.

"Help!" he screamed. "I'm being attacked by invisible elves! Ohhh! The agony!"

"Amazing." I said. "Only here for two minutes and already he makes a fool of himself. He beat my record."

"Yeah, but that's unfair." said Annabeth. "Remember, you were knocked out for the first part of the day."

"Oh God, one of them is weaving it's initials into my ribs with thread!" yelled the guy.

"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled. "We're having a conversation. Can't you even fight off a bunch of invisible elves?"

"If I could I could fight them off do you really think I'd be at their mercy wallowing in a mud puddle?" He asked.

"Hey, if they're invisible, how do you even know their elves?" asked Annabeth.

He suddenly stopped moving. "Okay fine." he said standing up, and brushing the mud off his clothes. "I only do that as a stunt whenever I see pretty girls. To impress them."

"That's the forth worst pick attempt I've ever seen." I said. And that's saying something. I remember when everyone was character raped. Now that led to some bad pick up attempts.

"Here's fifty cents. Call your mother and tell her you'll be coming home with me tonight." He said, handing Annabeth a fifty cents coin, and shooting a seductive gaze.

"My mom is Athena." said Annabeth.

"Then iris message her. Honestly, do I look like I care?" asked the guy. Damn. I'm sick of narrating this way.

"You have two options." I said. "Number one, you walk calmly away, apologies to Annabeth, and continue your mediocre existence. Number two, I stick my shiny sword through your fucking chest. Choose wisely. While both have their appeal, one will kind of kill you."

The guy apologized and walked away. Probably needed the bathroom or something. "Excuse me, is this Camp Half blood?" asked a voice, a cool crisp voice, a voice that demanded attention. A voice of the kind of guy who wears a dark black pants with a sort of suit effect and still looks cool to some weird interference on the part of the wind that makes it all billow gently. Damn him.

"Yes, it is." said Annabeth. "Do you already know you're parent or are you unclaimed?" she asked.

"This is the legendary training ground of the gods?" he asked, contempt easily readable in his grey eyes, while his light blonde hair, short and styled flattered slightly in those thrice damned afore mentioned winds. "Seems, _adequate_." He said, stressing the word slightly, while shifting his gaze in my direction, obviously unable to hide his distaste. But, what's not to like?

"That's not how you answer a question." I said. "Usually you give an answer." Ha! Zing!

" Trying to pass sarcasm off as wit." said the boy, with a smile that makes you think of a sneer, while somehow not exactly being a sneer. "Hooray. I see I'm going to have a _blast _here." Alright, he's got to stop stressing his words. The italics are hard to narrate. Not beyond me of course, just hard.

"Okay." said Annabeth. "So, what's your name then?" She didn't ask the other guy his name. I'm afraid she may have become quite taken by him and his charm. Damn and Blast.

"Evan. Evan Lewis." said, Evan, Evan Lewis. "And if you'll excuse me, I have to go get _acquainted_ with this, _quaint_, place. Wasting quality time that could've been spend bludgeoning myself with sharp and pointy objects." Wow. He had a weird way of enjoying himself.

" I can't believe all these people are so annoying." I said. "I sure wasn't this annoying when I came to camp half blood." Damn right. Those sniveling inbred bastards should be honored by my mere presence.

"Right, all you did was almost cause a war that almost killed as all." said Annabeth.

"Yes, but I wasn't annoying while doing it and, hey who are you?" I asked the girl who just appeared. She wore clothes. Oh damn. I feel compelled to tell you more. She had sharp brown, almost red hair, which fell calmly unto her shoulder. She wore long, pink and black striped socks, with a black skirt and a white t shirt with all kinds of neat and colorful pictures. But I didn't have the time to fully appreciate them.

"I'm Mandy." said the girl, who I just learned was called Mandy. "Uh, I take it this is the demigod camp?" she asked.

"Yes, it is." I said. "And I'm Percy Jackson, the dashingly good looking big man on the campus."

"I thought that was Clarisse." Said Annabeth, clearly puzzled by my startling proclam... oh fuck the narration.

"But we both know that's wrong now don't we?" I asked pointing frantically to her in increasingly frivolous ways.

"Uh, is something wrong?" asked the girl, oblivious to my mute attempts to tell Annabeth that I'm working this.

"Nothing is wrong." I said. "Just the small problem of not having you in my life." Yeah Percy. Work it. I would narrate that she fell in love with me then and there and we then proceeded to go out for a brief period of time, until a cheated with her on a St. Bernard that I found in a ditch, who I took pity on cause it looked like it was bleeding to death, but that would be a lie. The truth was she gave a sigh and walked away.

"Percy, we really need to work on your approach to girls." said Annabeth. I usually walk or stride, running tends to scare most girls. Don't know why.

"Excuse me, but is this camp half blood?" asked a boy. A really neat boy. With combed hair, a shirt that looked ironed and crisp, pressed pants. This can mean no good.

"Wait, I won't be able to talk to you unless your somehow going to screw up my life or mentally insane. So what's wrong with you?" I asked.

"Nothing at all , old bean. I'm just here, having a thumping good time talking to you." Oh shit. He's like one of those characters from those books the school forces you to read.

"Percy, shut up and get to the killing class." said Mr. D. "You have to teach these new campers to kill each other..." he caught the boy's hurt gaze "each other's pets." The boy looked even more hurt. "Oh go fuck yourself." said Mr. D and walked away.

"I say, that was rather rude." said the boy. Gee, I wonder what Alex is doing...

**Alex's secret base:**

"Gee, I wonder what Percy is doing." said Alex.

**Camp half blood:**

"No you idiot, I asked first!" I yelled, ignoring the boy and Annabeth.

**Alex's secret base:**

"What the fuck was that?" asked Alex.

"Don't know." said Hades. 'But that can only mean one thing. This is some good shit!"

"Hell yeah!" yelled Alex. "Now would be an excellent time to fiddle with the mechanics of the world and reality!"

"Yeah!" said Hades. "I know! Lets see what happens when the whole world becomes radioactive!"

"Nice one." said Alex. 'Then we wouldn't need you anymore!" said Alex, pointing a finger at the microwave.

**Back at camp half blood...:**

I stood at the top of a podium, about to teach a bunch of teens how to kill anything of their choosing. "Before this class starts, " I began in a deadly monotone, "You must learn aerobics. Killing people takes a lot of time and effort, and you might pull a muscle unless your properly prepared." I was ready to impart my wisdom, and a couple of Arrested Development DVD's on an unwitting class. I seriously don't get that show.


	10. Disclaimer: The anti sue

**Disclaimer: The anti sue**

**Disclaimer: PJO belongs to Rick Riordain and HP belongs to Jk rowling. If you understand the pun in the title, you're way to smart to be reading this.**

"Percy Jackson..." muttered theleafylord, softly. "How can this be?"

"I think Hades and Alex fiddled with the mechanics of reality in the previous chapter." said Becky.

"Wait, I actually explained a part of my story? That's so unlike me." said theleafylord.

Just for effect, and partly because he couldn't think of an answer, theleafylord's muttering blocked out the hat's proclamation as to where Percy is going. Oh well then.

"To our old hands," began Dumbledore. "Welcome. To our new hands, you are scum and everyone here hates you. I'm pleased to announce, that the defense teacher I hired last year was actually a death eater who would very much have liked to kill you all. However, he was momentarily satisfied by returning the evilest person all time, to life. The new defense teacher will be Umbridge." No applause. The crowd seemed to deaden under the face of the overly girl abomination of evil. Much shuddering ensued.

"We're also pleased to announce that the new post of creative writing will be filled by the, ex-lumberjack, post modern arsonist, the associate of small fury animals who decline names, the master of mauve, the lord of old car handles, winner of the noble peace prize for agreeing to leave the committee alone and inept fan fiction writer, Professor Raynor." Theleafylord bowed and smiled as he knocked Professor Flitwick into a bowl of soup. His fake name has caused no alteration towards the staff.

"If I may say a few words." began Umbridge.

"If the dishes are cleared, why is there still a bowl of soup?" asked Becky. Very silently.

"The progression of wizards has always been one of a slow ruining complexion." said Umbridge. "We can't simply chance things. It will be difficult. There for, things that many consider out dated and less of value, must be persevered, well newer, better techniques must be ignored lest our standards drop." None of the students saw this coming. Suddenly theleafylords writing seemed good.

**The next day...**

Theleafyllord had, along with the rest of his fanfiction school, fallen asleep during the middle of Umbridge's speech. He would not see his class until much later however. He first, as an act, had to give a class to a bunch of insolent forth years. Not once did his spine turn cold, not once did the idiot see what was going to happen.

"Hello class , I'm glad to, oh fucking shit." said theleafylord, and pulled up short at the class that was sitting before him. Or more particularly, a single member. With beautiful, golden red hair, a slim but still quite curvy figure, unbelievable legs, and pretty dark eyes that slit into the cute little nose that sat above her soft, warm lips, Ginny Weasly had a beauty that defied anything read in the previous books.

" Okay, not this again." said theleaftylord, sweat dripping of his forehead. "Now Mrs. Weasly , I assure you that the one's who awakened you we're, we're, we're the bush administration! Yeah, that's it!" said theleafylord, grinning a fearfull grin.

"Lair." said Ginny. "In the story it's the early ninties. The Bush administration hasn't been founded yet. At least, not the other one's."

"It's the early ninties?" asked theleafylord. "Wow. I should be out enjoying the boom of grunge.

"Oh you'll get out alright." said Ginny, eyes flashing dangerously. Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, bat bogies! Hundreds of them! And they were all attacking theleafylord!

"Ouch! That stings dammit!" yelled theleafylord. "Wait! Bogies are snot supposed to hurt!" Theleafylrod looked up, as if seized by the horror of his own words. "No. No!!!!!!!!!! The Mary sure is affecting us! Soon we'll be predictable and lame! As a secondary character in a sue story, I will have no time for character development!"

Ginny smiled evilly. "Oh dear me, where did those bogies come from?" she asked, with an expression of innocence. The class laughed as if this was funnier than something that was extremely funny.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" yelled theleafylord and jumped out the tower, luckily for him, he hit some guy called Death on the way down. He was surprisingly nice about it. And even killed some of the bogies bats before going out into the open to find Twiggy.

"They shall not get me!" said thealeafylord and jumped onto a unicorn. "Ride tonto!" The unicorn, through a feat that defied gravity and logic, but not Ginny, kicked theleafylord all the way back up into the classroom. Ginny smiled sweetly. Theleafylord silently contemplated the virtue's of suicide.

"Harold, Fireguy." said theleafylord, gathering his fellows in the art of pissing of the queen of Mary Sues. "I've had a just about awful day. Has Ginny done anything to you? I was attacked by bat bogies, a unicorn, I was thrown out the tower, falling four hundred feet, seven times, and I'm the victim of several nasty rumors and general distaste."

"Same here." said Firemasterytjy. "Except I was also hit over the head by a camera and some ghost kept looking at me while I showered."

"Yeah." said Henry. "You guys are lucky. That's right. She actually talked to me! As in conversation style! Four seven minutes and thirty two seconds!" The other two looked at him in shock.

"We have to find out everything we can about her." said Theleafylord. "See those three?" he said, pointing to three random girls. Randomly. One of them may have been a Twi Lek. "Let's work it."

"Kay." said Firemasterytjy, and they stalked off towards the three girls.

"Hello girls." said theleafylord, looking for all the world as a person who not only ignored fashion, but was still victimized by it. Me and my friends wish to, ah, talk with you." He smiled. " Of course, while my friends are nowhere near as good looking as me, that's actually a good thing, since if they were, pedophilia would go on an incredible rise. He spared Hugh. E. Hugh a glance. "Oh manly."

"Wait, aren't you the three guys who pissed of Ginny Weasly?" asked one of the girls.

"We are many things." said Henry. R. James. "In fact, they often struggle to name me."

"Yes they are." said Ginny Weasly. 'And they are about to pay..."

**Rewiev Responses: Ps. Yes, me and two of my friends really tried that approach to girls. It's not the excact same speech, but it's pretty much the same. You don't want to know what happened next.**

**Spicy Shani: Thank you. That's actually the problem with writing randomly, you don't know if what you've written is funny or not.**

**A great and terrible beauty: Once again ,I'm confused as to weather or not you mean this in a positive way. Were you saying wow because of the sheer good writing ness, or the sheer bad writing ness?**

**Bloomingautohor7: **


	11. The greatest hero gets the sue

**The greatest hero get****s the sue**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. I was informed that the last chapter I said was really bad, wasn't really bad. This chapter should make up for it.**

"Well, that didn't go too bad." said Firemasterytjy. The other two glared at him. "Okay, so maybe the heliopaths were a bit uncalled for."

"Damn right." said Henry. R. James and started to apply burn salve to his entire body.

"And after the Balrog I don't think she should have tried to feed you to a diabetic Hippogriff." he told theleafylord. "Though you did deserve it for ripping off Gandalf."

"Yeah, fireguy." said theleafylord trying to get the salt and sugar out of his wounds. You had to admire Ginny's genius in getting him a diabetic Hippogriff.

"You were lucky." said Harroldo. R. Harrioson. "Al you had to deal with was that idiotic Boggart. Sure the trick with the mirror was nice, but it scared the shit out of me."

"Gentleman." said theleafylord. "We have gotten a problem. Ginny is out to get us. We can't, due to the laws Mary Suedom, defeat her head on. Nor shall dirty tricks work. She will be conveniently forewarned in near impossible circumstances. Therefore, we need an alternative. We need to distract her."

" So? We kill her family then?" asked Henry. W. James.

"No." said Firemasterytjy. "No tragedy can befall her. We have to do something that's good for her, and us. We have to give her what she wants."

"Something that'll keep her attention." said Henry. X. James thoughtfully. "A boyfriend. A perfect boyfriend that'll be totally devoted to her."

"Yeah. It'll have to be a hero of some sort. There are only two good canon hero's here. Harry and Dumbledore. And Dumbledore hates her tiny guts so it has to be Harry." said Firemasterty. He was suddenly slapped in the face.

"Never refer to my guts as tiny again." said Ginny before disappearing out the portrait hole.

"How is that even possible?" asked Henry. Y. James. " She wasn't even in the room when you said it!"

"Never mind that now." said theleafylord, with a gaze that suggested he had been thinking. "If she has a heroic boyfriend , he will undoubtly go on heroic quests half the time and give her time to torment us. He will also never be able to go with her everywhere. We need a dilemma. We need her mind to always wonder what she wants, cause she knows how to get it. We need, to have two hero's fight for her love."

"What are you suggesting?" asked Firemasterytjy.

"That we need , to have two hero's fight for her love." said theleafylord. "Think about it. Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. Both have black hair and green eyes. Only a suethor gives a fuck about the variants. Both are heroes. And with some subtle prodding, both will be out to get Miss Weasly."

"I can tell by the way you pronounced it that it's spelled wrong." said Heratio. T. Marley.

"I like it." said Firemasterytjy. "Let's start our plot……

**Gryffindor common room:**

"Well, seeing as I'm not invited to any parties, I think I'll go and start a wild one in the common room! With dancing, dancing Centaurs! And you won't be invited!" said Ron Weasly, starting to walk up the stair case.

"What did you say?" asked Harry.

"Oh damn wrong timeline." said Ron. "Sorry Harry, what were we going on again?"

"About my feelings." said Harry, his eyes misting over. "I'm torn Ron. Torn. Torn between Cho and your suddenly hot sister. Now I trust our happiness means more that your desire to mutilate, kill or otherwhise inconvenience us."

"Harry!" said Hermione, walking in quickly. "That's not how you tell someone your feelings for his sister!"

"HE has WHAT?" yelled Ron.

"This isn't working for me!" yelled Ginny. "Time!" she yelled, and time itself stopped. "Reverse, and replay this sense with less Cho Chang! Stat!" time hastened to obey.

**Meanwhile, the wait what kind of trio has fire, leaves and various H based names? How do you get a colour out of that? Anyway, back to those guys!**

Henry ripped of his castlevania outfit. "Guys!" he said. "Harry is confessing his feelings about Ginny to Ron! We must get Percy in there to confess at the same time, thus starting the greatest and most nauseating lover spat of all time!"

"Yeah." said Firemasterytjy. "Wait! There Percy is! How convenient."

"Yo, Percy!" yelled theleafylord. "Come over here!"

"What's this about?" I asked angrily. I'm so pissed off at Alex. How fucked up to you have to be to send me to Hogwarts. How can I be a mud blood if my blood is half god? And why does she claim she's no good, with words but I'm worse.

"Right. Percy you're a hero." said Handre. P. Leeland. "What you need to complete the awesome image is a mary sue girlfriend."

"That's right." said Firemasterytjy. "Succumb to the unrelenting, uhhh, go ask Ginny Weasly out now dammit!"

"Uh, you guys are strange. Wait……" I said, pausing for dramatic effect. "You mean Ginny Weasly, the Ginny Weasly, the one who makes the mary sue in the first chapter look like, not very extraordinarily impossibly good looking?"

"Yeah. That one." said theleafylord. "Act now or all you bases will belong to us now!"

No! My bases can't below to them now! Must go ask Ginny Weasly out! I ran with blinding speed towards the Gryyfindor common room.

"Shall we watch?" asked Halfalla. N. Orse.

"Of course."

**Gryffindor**** common room:**

"Well, if you don't love me say goodbye to mr. Armchair!" said Ron with a physcotic laugh as he started to bludgeon the armchair with his head. The idiot. Everyone knows you should use mentos for those tough stains!

"I LOVE GIN- Harry was cut off. By my foot in his face. Ha ha! Who didn't see that coming? Hands up!

"Alcohol potter?" I asked. "I prefer vodka. But when it comes to girls…. I said shifting my gaze at Ginny who seemed to light up under my now of so fine eyes. "Yeah. Ginny, have you ever considered just how hot I am? And then you

"Crucio!" yelled Harry flailing wildly. A third year started screaming due to his crap aiming. Like OMFG. Harry was like, totally trying to use dark magic on me! That was scary! Oh no! Something is wrong.

_Character rapists__ come to change your population _

_Little girls from Sweden worship this foul infestation _

_And if you like that kind of thing it's Sueficafactation _

Okay, what seriously, what the hell is going on. "You!" I yelled. "You in the corner! Stop rewriting songs to vaguely fit the situation! Sueficafactation isn't even a word!"

"Ahh." moaned the guy. He had two guys with him, one on the base, and one on the drums. "Fine. Come on guys lets go play Simple plan songs in A minor." They left. Serves them right those bastards. Now, back to the matter at hand.

" You can't get Ginny!" yelled Harry. "I'm the hero! Your not even supposed to exist in this story!"

"Exactly!" I said. "I'm so awesome I'm in your plane of existence, stealing your girlfriend."

"Oh really?" asked Ginny, fluttering her eyelashes. "I think I can decide who I want to go out with…..

"Pick me! I defeated a Basilisk!" yelled Harry.

"Big deal! I defeated a Cyclopes!" I countered.

"I defeat the Dark Lord with my bare hands!" yelled Harry.

"I defeated a minotaur with my bare hands. The minotaur in fact." I said coolly, not getting all emotional about it like Harry. Man, he was Emo. I bet he puts razors in his soap so he could wash like he's hardcore.

"But Ginny, think of all we've been through." Harry looked confused for a minute. "Wait, I've got nothing."

"Exactly." I said. "I'm the son of the sea god. That's right. I'm half a god. Can you say that?" I asked Harry calmly.

"That shouldn't count." said hades. "Me, your father, and every other god that isn't maniacally evil hates mary sue's with a passion. The maniacally evil one hate them with less zest. You're on your own now."

"Right! I challenge you to a duel!" yelled Harry and drew his wand. I threw him against the side of the head with a soda can.

"No! Way must you fight like this?" asked Ginny, crying and running to her room.

"Success." said Theleafylord happily. The had won this battle, but the war?

**Review Responses:**

**Becky Creighton:**** Actually I don't smoke. This fic is basically any idea I can think up, written down really quickly. The worst chapter was one where Harry arrested Voldemort and Voldemort sued for Auror brutality. Yeah. I've been gone for a while too, thanks to computer stuff.**

**Spicy Shani: I think I get it. Thanks for the review.**

**The celitc amazon:**


	12. The oracle revisited

**The oracle revisited**

**Disclaimer: PJO belongs to Rick Riordain. HP belongs to JKR. I like pie. Of less importance, is the style in which this one shot will be written. It was contain a mock up of Harry Potter plots that make no sense. I'm simply using Harry Potter as Fan fiction examples because everyone knows it, and there are not enough bad fics in the pjo fandom. Unless you count my own fics. Any who, on with the story.**

"What are we doing here?" asked Harry, indicating the Oracle's home.

"We're at the oracle." I said. "He will prove to you that Ginny's heart belongs to me." We walked onwards calmly. Harry placed his faith in love, the bastard.

"Okay, Mr. Oracle." I said when we arrived. "Tell Harry that there's no sense in chasing Ginny as her heart will ultimately belong to me." I slipped him twenty bucks.

"Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyou knowwwwwwww the rullle abouttttt spoilers" hissed the oracle.

"Wait, did you just lisp on a y?" asked Harry.

"Get used to it." I said grumpily. Stupid oracle. My brilliant planning was foiled by sheer chance.

" Whillle, you're herrreee, I can tell you othersssswssss future." said the oracle.

"Can you tell me about this leafylord guy?" said Harry. "He keeps yelling "Voldemort is back, you idiots!" in the corridor, and now, for some reason Ron doesn't believe me anymore."

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss." said the oracle, and maniacal lisped filled laughter filled the room. Oh, we're in trouble now.

**At Dumbledore's office:**

"Hello, Albus." said the leafylord, striding confidently into the room. "Say what's wrong with your arm?"

"I've been obliviating the memory over every single Wizard and Witch in Britain to ensure that my evil manipulating reign of old cootness continues. God, my arm hurts. Fawkes, fetch fresh ice. Ohh, ah." said Dumbledore.

"So instead of taking the position of Minster of magic, that everyone wants you too, and then ruling with a complete iron fist because they'll practically hand the entire fucking country to you on a silver platter, you just manipulate people and make funny speeches in a school." said theleafylord, considering this. "You have my respect." said theleafylord, a great admirer of total insanity.

"So why are you here?" asked Dumbledore, opening a packet of wine gums and handing theleafylord some green ones.

"Hogwarts is in financial danger. I suggest we start a lawn depressing service." said theleafylord.

"Why would we depress lawns?" asked Dumbledore.

"So they can cut themselves." said theleafylord.

"I hate you." said Dumbledore. Suddenly, the door swung open, and a gaunt figure in flowing black robes with a curved scythe walked into the room.

"I AM DEATH." he said.

"Ohhhh! He has a scythe!" said theleafylord. "Maybe he can help us cut lawns!"

"I HAVE COME FOR…..the universe waited with baited breath "A SIX PIECE MAC NUGGETS MEAL WITH BBQ SAUCE AND A DIET COKE."

"What?" asked Dumbledore, looking dumbstruck.

"I HAVE TO WATCH MY FIGURE." said Death.

"I think you're at the wrong place." said theleafylord. "Last I checked this was lawn depressing service, not a McDonalds."

"WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO DEPRESS LAWNS?" asked Death.

**Back at the oracle………**

"For Apollo's sake stop before this joke gets old!" I said angrily.

"Finnnnnneee." said the oracle giving an evil half bandaged covered grin. "I'lllllll show him yourrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Groverrrrrrr experience……………….."

"Uh." said Harry, getting back in character due to low exposure to Ginny, " Uh, Oracle guy, I know this may sound strange, but the papers have been mocking me and Dumbledore, and he seems totally unaffected. I was just wondering, is he?"

"Lettt me showwww you." said the oracle.

**At the staff table, during the feast…………**

"I hate this." said Albus. "The students seem actually frightened off me."

"At least they haven't turned you into a walking joke, like Potter." said Snape. "Mind you, they suck at mocking him, I mean look at this." He pointed to an article.

_Today was an exciting day, if you are a gnome. Today, wizards all around the country gathered to pluck gnomes out of their gnome homes and threw them across ridiculous __distances. Speaking of ridiculous, Have you heard Harry Potter latest plea for attention? Oh yes , apparently the dark lord is back. While la de dah you insane fuck up. You can come over here and suck my dick you shit faced attention seeking bastard. Anyway, the winner of the contest, was Lucius Malfoy. The fact that it's widely known that the judges were bribed, blackmailed and chair massaged had no effects on the judgings. Honest! As such, he is no officially above all wizarding laws for the next two months._

_Cornelius Fudge, investigative journalist, Minister of Magic._

"Hmm." said Dumbledore "That was rather badly written."

"Yeah." said Snape. "Not even a proper joke. Like, what happens when a man has to make over 700 pots in one night?"

"I don't know." said Dumbledore.

"He becomes a harried Potter." said Snape. Sprout laughed. Flitwick smiled merrily and drank some cherry soda. Albus chuckled and cast a look at Harry. Umbridge wrote it down very quickly. Hagrid gave birth to something vaguely resembling a cheddar cheese log.

**The oracle! Once again!...**

"Well that sucked." I said. "Too you have anything where old Harry turns dark or is Voldemort's son or something?"

"Come on, that's impossible. Like somehow it will be proven that the people who seemed good are actually evil and stuff then I run around and gather dark magic and become invincible by magic that anyone can use to become extremely powerful, but no one does because the guy who sells it to me hides it behind a counter." said Harry.

" Strong thingssssssssssssss, countersss." said the oracle. "I rememberrrr, once I was glued toooooo one. Took for fricken everrrrrr to get offffffffffffff it."

"Come one guys it's ridiculous. I just won't fit in at the evil guys lair." said Harry.

"Wanna bet?" asked The oracle, and the evitable fade out occurred.

**Lair of all darkness (TRL set)………………**

Harry Potter was one very angry wizard. He just found out that Dumbledore, the bastard was actually manipulating him cruelly for the greater good. Or was he just totally evil and started killing random people for no apperent reason? Ohh, but her was evil. He was so evil, that Harry joined Voldemort, who forgot all the previous shit between them that was probably orchestrated by Dumbledore anyway, the bastard, and joined him. Yay.

Twenty Aurors had arrived at Harry's house to stop them when Dumbledore realised what Harry had done. Harry killed them easily, despite his inability to enjoy severing, he happily made an exception, oh fuck it, I'm not going to continue to try and make sense out of this shit.

Anyway, moving on, Harry had finally arrived at Voldemort's secret base.

"Hey Harry!" said the family friendly Voldy, "Come join us for a masterfull game of Poker." he said happily. Harry sat on the table as Voldemort started to deal. "Meet all those who are in league with me." said Voldemort, indicating around. "You remember how Dumbledore said music is a magic beyond any I can make? There's Avril Lavinge, who's out to kill all music. Over there is Bellatrix, and Sirius, who's death was planned and was actually in Azkaban just for fun. And there is Mr. Burns and of course, theleafylord."

"Sup." said theleafylord.

"Anyway, as you know, despite our past murders, rape, and muggle torture, Dumbledore is so much more evil than us. Besides, we all actually good guys, beneath all the other stuff. Very pleasant and all that kind of thing. Now, the stakes." said Voldemort, smiling sickly.

"Here they are." said Wormtail, coming along with several platters filled with prime cut steak and chips. "Rare for you my lord. Meduim Rare for you three. And well done for Bellatrix with a semi half medium rare for theleafylord."

**Back to the oracle…………………**

"Okay. That made no sense." said Harry.

"Thatsssssssssssssssss theeeeee whole point." said the oracle.

"I hate you both." I said bitterly.

**Author Notes:**** R.A.B is Siruis dad, who destroyed to Horcrux to avenge Regulas. Owned.**

**Rewiev responses:**

**Celtic Amazon: Thanks for the reiwev. I don't really have much time to write these days so this chapter was basically a bunch of cartoons I wrote for the school paper, rewritten. **

**Rainbow droplets: Hmm. I suggest switching to a Red Hot Chilli Peppers feel. **


	13. Gollum is inaccurate!

**Gollum is inaccurate!**

**Disclaimer: PJO belongs to Rick Riordain. Gollum and Hobbits belong to J.R.R Tolkien. In answer to that review, All H based names are the same person. There isn't a flood of people who's name begin with H in the story.**

The school of Percy Jackson Fanfiction, which has to this point in no way improved the anything, sat quietly in the class, when suddenly theleafylord burst in. " Tremble my children!" he yelled, tripping over the desk and trying to stand up.

"Please tell me you and Henry and Fireguy didn't unleash ultimate evil and general Mary Sueness, wait same thing, on humanity again?" asked the Celtic Amazon.

"Worse!" yelled theleafylord. "A strange person is copy pasting random flames into various reviews to flame authors with minimum effort!"

"So?" asked Firemasterytjy.

"And he's not flaming me!" said theleafylord, who by now looked close to tears.

"You know flames are negative right?" asked Physco girl.

"Yes, but I love the attention." said theleafylord. "Anywho, before you realise just how conceited I am, lets analyse the flame and see if he was perhaps using symbolism as a form of constructive criticism."

"You just said he randomly copy pastes flames." said Physco girl. " That means there's no reason to believe he actually reads the stories, and if he does, there's no way he has a kind of universal constructive criticism symbolism."

"You lost me at the mall." said theleafylord. "Anywho, onwards with the pointless examination witch will count towards 0.567 of your total grade. Let's begin with the first two lines."

"_Congratulations. You are the official proof that people with more teeth than brain cells shouldn't breed with each other."-_ Actual extract from the flame.

"Hmm." said Firemasterytjy. "This seems to be insulting on the assumption that a person has very few teeth. Of course the average person has quite a lot of brain cells. A tidy lot indeed."

"Is brain cells detrimental to intelligence?" asked theleafylord.

"Sounds like it." said Harrisson. "But will this kind of thing be passed on to your offspring?"

"The offspring are awesome!" yelled theleafylord. " In fact I'm actually listening to Dammit, I changed again while I'm writing this!"

"What?" asked Firemasterytjy.

"Oh nothing." said theleafylord. "But, it may not necessarily be passed on. Unless it's like a disease or something."

"Yes, but not all diseases are past on from a Childs parents." said Firemasterytjy. "I think there's a metaphor here somewhere, but for the life of me I can't see one."

"Are you all complete idiots?" asked Physco. "It's an insult! Not some metaphor or other form of figuratively speaking!"

"Speaking of teeth stuff." said theleafylord. "Have you noticed in the Lord of the Rings movies, Gollum has seven teeth, but in the Hobbit he says he has only six teeth? He is inaccurate!"

"Can we at least get to the next part of the flame?" asked Physco girl? The assessment continues. But at what cost?

"_Or at all."-_ Another actual extract.

"I think this may have something to do with the Gollum thing." said Firemasterytjy.

"Are you crazy? It obviously means that the people that were previously mentioned shouldn't breed at all." said the Celtic Amazon.

" No, I think it goes far deeper than that. I have this theory about books that may prove that- theleafylord never finished his sentence. The people in the evil book conspiracy which may prove something which cannot at present time be mentioned, gagged him and forced them to begin with the next part of the flame. The horror._  
_

"_What the fuck was going through your douched-up mind when you posted this? That maybe a caravan of inbred clowns would stumble upon it and like it? Because they'd probably be the only ones to overlook the fact that you've told the English language to go into a corner, pull down its pants and grab its ankles."-_ Another actual exert from the flame. In italics. So you know I didn't write this._  
_

"The flamer seems to like the breeding/ Inbred theme a lot." observed Physco girl.

"The English language has pants?" asked Harroldo. "I know the world has pants, but a language? That's just ridiculous."

"The world has pants?" asked Firemasterytjy

"Yeah, you know, like when people try and scare the pants of the world and stuff." said Henry.

"Yeah but how do you stumble literally upon a story?" asked theleafylord, looking around the room. "You can't trip and stumble over a story in the literal sense." said theleafylord, now looking smug.

"What does that mean?" asked Physco girl.

"This proves the flamer uses words figuratively. So I really think we should go back to the first two lines and- Despite logic, an army of Lego figurines walked into the room and slapped theleafylord until he forgot what was going on.

"It doesn't really seem as though this is directed at the story. It seems like it was more accurately a general go at the English language." said Firemastertjy

"Yeah it seems like the flamer is envisioning the English language as some pansy that does what he or she is told. Disgusting." said Henry.

"Yeah, but the clowns. What about the clowns." asked Firemastertjy.

"I don't know. Clowns are scary. Can you imagine inbred clowns, with that kind of scariness inbreded into them? I might have trouble sleeping." said Theleafylord.

A.N. If inbreded isn't a word, it should be. Shakespeare coined words all the time, and I have way better taste in music than he does.

" Maybe it's an simile that has something to do with horror? Or perpetual fear?" asked Henry.

"He's being insulting again!" yelled Physco girl. "Stop trying to read to much into this!" The group, by now feeling there morale sinking, made there way to the next extract.

"_Or, hell, maybe that was insulting to inbred clowns everywhere."- _This extract comes to you courtesy of the guy who invented the copy paste style._  
_

"Good thinking." said theleafylord. "You don't want to insult those inbred clowns. Just don't do it kids."

"Inbred clown are everywhere?" asked Henry, pure fear captured in his eyes.

"It's alarming but I think you should see this." said theleafylord, drawing something out of his pocket. " It's a blue worm." The class waited with baited breath. "And this is a red worm." said theleafylord taking out another worm. "Are you beginning to see the pattern?"

"No." said Henry.

"They're both worms." said theleafylord.

" I'm assuming this has something to do with the fall of hair metal?" asked Firemasterytjy.

"Actually I was just wondering how on earth the worm got blue. It's like sky colour you know?" said theleafylord.

"Next lines. Please." said Physco girl. Celtic Amazon looked on with horror, as she alone realised the next line were forming.

"_Now, why don't you do a favour to those clowns, and the rest of humanity, and play 52 card pick up on a freeway if you're ever tempted to post anything ever again. And, uh, make sure it's during rush hour."-_ While I was pasting this, my back itched. So I scratched it.

"I'm confused." said Henry. "Doesn't rush hour imply to the hour in a day when there so much traffic on a road that it takes about forty minutes to drive seven meters?"_  
_

"Can't you get hurt doing that? And what is 52 card pickup?" asked theleafylord.

"Ah, but the 52 is a dead give away. It's the number of cards in your standard pack. So logically, it was put there to make us think of games played with a standard pack of cards, indicating that a standard pack of cards is in fact, used in the game 52 card pick up, indicating that it's a card name. Also, note the lack of needing someone else to join you. This seems to indicate that you can play the game by yourself." said Firemasterytjy.

"Yeah, but the post part." said theleafylord. "Does that mean post stories on or actually posting stuff, like you know, sending a package to a relative of a friend who lives far away from you?"

"I think the flamer means for us to tie the two together. So we have a game, played using a 52 card deck, and we have the word post." said Henry.

"Maybe you have to pick up the cards, and post them to the highway, were you have to run between the cars and pick up all your cards?" said Firemastartjy.

"I think we've cracked It." said theleafylord. "Next part."

"_Yes?_"- Does anyone actually read this?

"That's a word." said Henry.

"Excellent insight." said theleafylord. "Full marks."

"_Good?"- _I'm plastic bag man! Roar!

"That's a word." said Firemasterytjy.

"Good insight, but not as good as Henry's. 92." said theleafylord.

"_Phe-fucking-nomenal."- _Cussing is wrong. Don't follow this example.

"I think it fits into the inbreeding theme." said the Celitc amazon. "Maybe Phe and Nomenal are cousins."

"Excellent work." said theleafylord. "Full marks."

_  
__"F/R"- _The last one.

"Wait, are you basing our grade on a single sentence instead of the entire lesson?" asked Physco girl.

"Laziness has always been my strong point." said theleafylord.

"Fine. The flamer's name is Flame Rising, obviously F R stands for that." said Physco girl.

"Wrong. Just, wrong." said theleafylord. "I think he's trying to tell us of a love story between to people who were both named after fruit. Like raisin and ,and, and Fapple. Yes, raisin and Fapple. And the were cruelly kept apart by a giant line that fell from the sky. Alas, cruel fate."

Alas, we may never know what the flamer truly meant, but we here at the School of Percy Jackson fanfiction have given you are insight. Peace.

**A.N on the flamer: This is probably the weirdest chapter ever written. Anyway, I actually enjoyed writing it. The idea came from reading the flame and clicking on Fire Risings profile. I was shocked when it turned out he actually takes sadistic pleasure in flaming people. So in conclusion, if you get a flame from him/her(he claims to be a guy but hey, we all are capable of mis judging our own genre.) just ignore it. Don't respond. Don't write a long chapter about it. **

**Author Notes: E B G D A E**

**Yeah****. This chapter is dedicated to Rainbow Droplets and Deathhawk17. You both got the same flames. And please, please don't follow this guy/girl's example. Actually say why the story sucks in your flames. Anyway, the chapter I had planned for this one will be out shortly. It's to be called, the Origonol Prankstors.**


	14. The original Pranksters

**The original Pranksters**

**Disclaime**r**: HP and PJO belongs to Rick Riordain and J.K Rowling.**

Warning: Dark Percy Jackson!

I was pissed off. I'm turning dark.-Percy Jackson

End of Dark Percy Jackson……or is it?

"Uh, does anyone know how this works?" asked George, flipping the time turner. unbeknownst to them, they had travelled back in time, to a time when Persues was facing off against the left handed demon accountant chicken, thing.

"Are you ready?" Perseus asked the demon chicken through gritted death.

"Go cluck yourself." answered the chicken defiantly.

"Oh I won't." said Perseus. "Maybe you should."

"But I have no apparent wish too." said the demon chicken. "Why don't you do it?"

"Uh, this is getting repetitive." said Fred, standing next to his twin. "Are we in ancient Greece?"

"Help! I'm bleeding!" yelled a man, all sprawled over the ground.

"But there's no blood." said George, dumbstruck.

" But sometimes one must do things for the greater good." said Perseus, still eyeing the chicken. "So why don't you?"

"I'm bleeding internally you idiots!" yelled the guy.

"OH yeah! Well , your cabbage was improperly defragmented!" yelled the demon chicken.

"Weren't we supposed to prank someone?" asked George.

"I do believe you're correct." said Fred. They both eyed the internally bleeding guy.

After wedgieing the annoying internally bleeding dude, Fred and George completed the second third of the Perseus Perseus trilogy.

**In the White House…….**

Fred and George were walking calmly along the school, when a massive apparition of fire appeared before them. "Sup, I'm Prometheus." said the guy who was stepping smartly out of the shadows. "But you can call me Alex."

"Uh right you are!' said Fred. "Do you wanna buy something?"

"No, no it's cool!" said Alex, smiling brightly. "I'm just looking for my friend Percy Jackson."

"Oh." said George. "Well we think-

"That he is-

"Currently, in this moment of time-

"Making out with the goddess Artemis-

"In a broom closet." finished Fred, who spoke two lines in a row, the bastard.

"Uh, I don't mean to be rude but is everyone being character raped again?" asked Alex.

"Not as far as we can tell." said George.

"Right." said Alex, when suddenly, the death eaters run into the building!

Several first years screamed, when suddenly, a very angry group of students with guns arrived. "Blast them to hell!" yelled one of them, and their Uzi's started of a heavy salvo.

Which a Death Eater blocked with a single shield. "Oh this is just ridiculous." said Lucius Malfoy. "Do you really think that we death eaters, who spent a large part of the past fifteen years, torturing and fighting muggles for fun, would never have heard of a gun I mean, it's blooming ridiculous! We can stop all physical matter with a simple shield charm! Why on earth would guns suddenly make you invincible!?"

"Uh, you accent changed mid monologue." said one of the guys with guns.

"Uhhhh." sighed Lucius, and waved his wand. All the guns were turned into very angry lemurs who started to attack the people holding them. " Well, lets go then" He eyed the students. "We're just here to give Draco his Death Eater starter kit. He forgot it at home!"

One of the other masked dudes whispered something in Lucius ear. "Oh right. Uh, we are victims of an improperly preformed confundus curse preformed by Potter." said Lucius. "This was just another one of his attention seeking attempts. Good day to all of you." the student body relaxed, and went back to their daily stuff. Things.

"I have a question." said Alex. "When you duel, why don't you just try transfiguring your opponents wand?"

"Well the wand is the thing most wizards are likely to shield"

"And transfiguring something magical like a wand"

"Could very easily"

"Blow both of the duellists to hell." finished George.

Alex suddenly saw a broom closet and hurt some strange noises in side of it. "Thanks guys. So Percy is in here?" The twins nodded and left, intent on pranking Dolores Umbridge, as she was scheduled to investigate theleafylord next.

The door opened. Artemis steeped out, and she was giggling. "Oh dear me." said Alex. "And I mean that in the strongest sense of the word." Percy stepped out after he, brushing his hair back into its original state.

Artemis looked at Percy, and she looked like. "Oh fuck." sighed Alex. "More character rape."

"Yeah." said Percy. "But don't judge her. The whole vow thing. When really, no girl can possibly have make a vow like that after meeting me." said Percy.

"Yeah. You're a keeper." said Alex. "No, uh Percy, we need to get out of here before this reality folds. Or something. There is no way this kind of stuff can really happen."

"You're so cute." said Artemis, smiling at Percy. "Why didn't I see it before?"

"My hotness tends to temporarily blind people. Unless you're dead. In which case, me looking at them, makes them decompose faster." said Percy.

" Okay." said Alex, who was laying on the floor shaking. "Fold you stupid reality! Fold! This kind of shit can't happen!"

" I used to think love was worthless." said Artemis. "An irresponsible thing that drives people to idiocy. Makes them forget themselves." Percy grinned.

"No. They don't forget themselves. The simply remember what they're truly like. Or some other romantic crap. Just imagine that I'm saying exactly what you want to hear." said Percy.

"Oh Percy you're saying exactly what I want to hear." said Artemis, stepping closer to him.

"That's the spirit." said Percy. "Well, good luck living with yourself after you've just broken every ideal you ever cherished. I have to go convince you hunters about this kind of thing, one by one. Or two by one if they're up to it."

"What the fuck just happened?" asked Alex. "The dialogue made no sense, the whole idea was crazy and I have an indescribably large craving for pizza." Alex, in his infinite wisdom considered the possibility that this entire reality was about to self destruct. "Pizza first, then saving this reality from certain destruction."

" We just pranked a titan." said George, who laughing in the corner.

" Yeah, but he was right. The dialogue was a bit off. But pretty good improvisation from Percy." said Fred.

"I didn't think Artemis would help but apparently she has some issues concerning Alex. Poor guy." said George.

"She's still damn hot though."

"Yep."

**Meanwhile, in theleafylord's classroom:****  
**

"Ah." said theleafylord, strolling into his classroom. "It's time that I ripen some ripe minds that are ripe for ripening." He pointed his wand lazily at the Cd player which started to fill the room with haunting melodies. "Hmm. Electrical stuff doesn't work here. No wonder the Clash are sounding more like that guy Chiron listens too." Still no realization. "Strange. The music doesn't even seem to be coming from the Cd player." Still nadda. "Of course!" said theleafylord, jumping from his seat. "I inserted the wrong Cd!" He care fully opened the Cd player and out jumped several live giraffes that landed on him rather painfully and then jumped out the window.

The fifth years Slytherins, Gryffindoors and Professor Umbridge walked in. "What the hell?" said theleafylord. "The timeline doesn't make sense anymore! Your not supposed to be inspecting me for at least four chapters!"

"Umbridge smiled widely. " Tsk.Tsk. Seems like someone is unprepared for my little inspection."

"Well, duh." said theleafylord. "I just loudly proclaimed my distaste of your inspection and you in general." Theleafylord then proceeded to stand up, and brush the giraffe hair of his robes.

"Well then class, last time you were here I asked you to write a story that about a random day of your life, watched through the eyes of your nemesis, to try and seee things from people who's views you disagree with, from they're point of view." said theleafylord.

The class produced various ink stained papers. Theleafylord was considering the timeline fracture. Oh what the hell. He can, ignore it!

"Proffessor." began Hermione cautiously. "I wrote mine from Pansy Parkinson's point of view. So it's centre's mostly on her looking at my life, then getting confused by random things, like hic ups and Wireless tv. Will this count against me?"

"Delete repeated word, delete repeated word." muttered theleafylord.

"Guess not." said Hermione.

"You're not even High inquisitor yet!" yelled theleafylord suddenly.

Umbridge smirked evilly. "I'm not wearing my cardign either!"

" Fuck you." said theleafylord. "Now, Mr.s Parkinson, give me your paper so I can read it to the class."

'Shouldn't I read it?" she asked.

"Considering that you consider incest a way to bring the family together, I should think no." said theleafylord.

"Okay Professor." she said, handing him a piece of paper. "No one disagrees with my point of view though, so I wrote a love story instead."

"How thrillingly creative." said theleafylord. "Class, listen closely and nod when I start mocking her"

_Mary Ann stared at her __beloved Gary Leandrowwissenshow. They were both sitting and enjoying the sunset as the dead birds floated through the air. "Gary" she whispered softly, " I'm pregnant."_

"_Uh, I'm sorry, but can you repeat that?" asked Gary. "I was fantasising about killing mud bloods and didn't hear word you said."_

"_I'm with child." she said, remembering proper decorum. Or raffles. A.N. I'm not really sure which Professor._

"_Really? Where is he or she?" asked Gary, looking around with interest._

"_Inside of me." she said, hoping he would finally understand._

"_You ate him? That's just fucking sick! Unless it was a mud blood." said Gary thoughfully._

Theleafylord looked up. "Why did you write you've been had by the original pranksters at the bottom of this page?"

**Author Notes: 2A 2A 2E A 2A 2A D 2D**

**This started as a chapter about Artemis and Percy, but I took that down and rwrote this instead. The other version, called Hunting for my heart was, in my opinion, just a little too weird. Anyway, If you understood any of this, good on you. I have no idea what I've just written.**

**Rewiev Responses:**

**Becky Creighton: I can probably write a story about a witch who reads fanfics and thinks about what they really, really metaphorically mean. Anyway, this story won't be updated in a while, seeing as we have our little competition to look forward too.**

**Super Sidney: I would say I'm confused, but all your rewiev did was make me hungry. If you want to be included in the School of Percy Jackson fanfiction just pm me. At least I think that's what the part meant. Unless aliens or Canon Inkjet printers were involved. With biscuits that have reduced fat intake because ethey just weren't hungry anymore.**

**Gotta keep your head through it all. Or at least until the break of dawn.**


	15. Lover’s hexagon

**Lover****'s hexagon **

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling. **

Warning! This chapter is written in the style of an "Author wish fulfilment" fic. I've recently returned to the Eragon section, and there are actually fics with stuff like "Eragon with a cool version of me." in the summaries. Please, don't let this happen. If this chapter doesn't scar you, I have failed. And no, I'm not really as conceited as I claim in the fic.

Love. It may be getting the best of you right now. Some say, like Dumbledore, that love is the most powerful force in the universe. Others, say stuff like "Egad, are you sure this fox hunt isn't a tad on the slow side?" They would say more, but the guys who were saying it ran away when they noticed I was following them. Those bastards. Anyway, never mess with love, unless you love to loose. Back to my life!

Damn! I'm losing my Pov!

Suddenly, omniscient ness…………….

It was another normal day. Well, by definition, it was actually a day that was completely unique with hundred of things that were different than any and all previous days, but all days were like that. But this day…. was a day in Hogwarts!

"Oh dammit." said theleafylord. "I sense really bad writing. Right above me!"

"Ohhh! And what does that mean?" asked Becky.

"I'm not really sure." said theleafylord. "Anyway, on with our daily business. Any new business?"

"Yes." said Becky. "We have two new Students, one Called Jinny and another called Rainbow Droplets."

"Good, good." said theleafylord. "Do they just admire, or do they full out worship me?"

"Ah, I'm pretty sure it's neither." said Becky.

"Well, if they worship me, they'll never have to fear fire." said theleafylord.

"Oh no." said Becky. "You're …full of yourself! And you're the author! This is turning into a wish fulfilment fic!"

"Yes." said theleafylord, cutting diamonds on his sparkling abs. "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"Not even Suethors write that unrealistically." said Becky.

" It's amazing, but I have an inexplicable desire to woo Ginny Weasly, and expose all the evil characters I like as misunderstood, and expose all the good character I dislike, as the evil stapler wielding bastards they are!" said theleafylord.

"But she's already in a lovers triangle!" said Becky.

"Good! Then I'll turn it into a lovers circle!" said theleafylord.

"A circle has no corners!" said Becky.

"It does now." said theleafylord, and amazingly, all the circles in the world suddenly had corners.

And logic started to shatter, under the authors insane awesome. That's right. Worship me. I'm so cool. Buy my cereal kids!

Theleafylord strutted down the halls, but it was not an arrogant strut. Heck, if you were as awesome as he was, and didn't strut, you had serious problems. It takes a much better man than some humble bastard to realise just how awesome he is. And quite frankly, theleafylord was that man. So, in conclusion, there was nothing arrogant about the strutting, and therefore, you CAN'T count it against theleafylord as a character.

"Hello Ginny and Percy." said theleafylord, gazing at Percy. "Ginny can you do me a favour?" he asked, and Ginny actually nodded before he asked the question, he was that good. "Okay. Imagine I'm saying something really romantic to you. Now feel my vibes feel them, feel them." Ginny giggled and smiled at theleafylord, blushing at theleafylord.

"Whoa!" said Percy. "You're awesome! Let's be best friends and go on crazy adventures together, and then you'll be all polite even though you're way better than me, and we'll we'll. Percy stopped talking, as his imagination of a future with theleafylord, caused him to actually pass out from pure ecstasy.

"At last!" yelled Harry. "I've succeeded!" yelled Harry Potter, as he ran into the hallway.

"At what?" asked theleafylord. "Becoming a secondary character in your own world due to my sheer awesomeness?"

"No!" yelled Harry and he grinned maliciously at Percy. "I've used my magic to form a rip in reality, which I used to-

"So you're the one!" yelled Becky angrily. "Do you know how long it takes to close a rip in reality? And the damage it did to the leaf guy may be permanent."

"Which I used to." said Harry, and his grin was evil now. "Get Annabeth here."

" For the love of Zeus!" yelled Percy. "Annabeth! But Ginny! What am I going to-

"Percy!" came a very, very angry voice. Annabeth walked into the room. "Tell me it isn't true." she said, and all the anger seemed to go out of her. "Tell me you're not trying to date, date a Mary sue?"

" Hey!" said Harry suddenly. "You're pretty!"

"What?" asked Annabeth suddenly. "It took you five hours to get me out of the roof, and now you notice?"

"It was dark." said Harry.

No. No! How can I choose? Ginny or the girl who I know, who actually cares about me, who is pretty with trying and doesn't flaunt it? Who, who do I choose? Percy suddenly looks at Annabeth, and then turned to look at Ginny.

_And then you'll see her standing there_

_With unusual eyes and perfect hair_

_But she'll never really care_

_And you'll discover _

_This girl i__s pure fanon_

_You should always go for canon_

_Because you'll find out that some girls try to hard_

"Seriously!" Percy yelled, pointing at those three damn musicians in the corner. "Stop re writing songs to vaguely fit the situation!"

"Wait!" Said Ginny. "With all this confusion and rampant emotions, has this turned into a love bubble?"

"No!" yelled theleafylord. "I'm in this too! So it's a love hexagon!"

"You mean a pentagon." said Annabeth. "There are five of us."

"Don't get all mathy on me." said theleafylord, and stopped. His eyes widened. "Thanks Becky." he said.

"No problem." said Becky. "Got the riff in reality completely closed up now. Are you feeling better?"

"Much better." said theleafylord. "I didn't do anything too weird while the hole in reality caused me some delusions of adequacy?"

"You sort of made it so that circles have corners." said Becky.

"Big deal, the WWE did that a long time ago." said theleafylord. 'Now, lets get too the students and hope that this never happens again." The two left, letting chaos ensue in the love square or whatever.

**And Scene…..Break"**

"Hello Students." said theleafylord, looking over his uh, students. His eyesight was mediocre at best, but did the damn job. "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is, we have two new students. The good news is, the rest of Hogwarts is becoming suspicious of you. But be assured, I have thought of a masterful plan. You will all mysteriously die in a giant fire, and then you'll return to Hogwarts as American transfer students. End of suspicion."

"And the students won't find it a bit suspicious that we die and students from America that look exactly like us come to Hogwarts?" asked Henry. R. James.

"No. Not at all." said theleafylord. "The people of Hogwarts are idiots when it comes to American transfer students."

"Ah, good." said Henow. S. Attisfied.

"Good, and then tomorrow, the school of Percy Jackson Fan fiction shall continue!"

**Authors Notes: Yeah, it may seem really bad, but there are fics like this out there. Please don't right in this style of wish fulfilment. It is generally as bad as this. I'd also Like to thank Becky, as her review gave me the idea to include Annabeth in the square love thing.**** Also, the song that was parodied was the a part of the Part Song, by Blink 182. The other song that was parodied way back was Californacation by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.**

**Review Responses: Damn I'm awesome. Okay not really.**

**Madster: the descriptions, shockingly enough, confused me. What colour is hazelnut?**

**Anonymous: Worship me, and you'll never have to fear fire! No, don't listen to him! Or me either!**

**Rainbow Droplets: I don't have a Supersidney, but I do have rather large collection of Mary Sues……….**


	16. Betrayal at school

**Betrayal at school.**

**Disclaimer: This story features many scary things. These are called live, or living it. and a lot of copy right infringement too, but I got I disclaimer, so in your face!**** Oh yeah, the second half of the fic was gionally a play I wrote, called you Your kid may be an honor student but you're still a moron. It's contains some elements I reused. There were also some made up names, if I missed any please ignore them.**

"Damn you evil teacher of a class I've never been in because he came a year after I left...after I left." I didn't know what made me say it, what made me open up at last. I mean, okay, this was stupid. I hate school. And now this stupid rivalry.

"So you won't finish the game of map quest?" he asked.

Map quest was, basically, a game where you had to get all the guys in your class and these two badly carved wooden fishys into the guys bathroom. Of course he had the advantage, being a teacher. " You know what?" I said. "Fuck you and your establishment! I'm going physco on everything!" I yelled, pulling out Riptide.

"No Percy!" yelled my the teacher who I already explained as too why I hadn't been in his class yet.

" No!" yelled A sartyr who Mr. D, being the dick who he was, sent to guard me.

"Fuck you bitch!" I yelled and stabbed him with my sword. He bled to death quite convincingly.

"Percy you team killing fucktard!" yelled Grover. "That was my wife!"

" But she's a guy!" I protested.

"You don't know much about sartyr physiology?" asked Grover.

" Screw you!" I yelled. "I'm gonna turn evil on the roof!"

"But it's raining outside!" yelled Grover.

"Good then there'll be lighting and other evil stuff! Die you callous mother fuckers!" I said, walking off into the night.

"I fear we may have lost him forever." said Chiron.

"I'm not sure of that." said the teacher guy. "We usually lock the gates. He won't get far."

"Of course. What Percy doesn't realise is that all the teacher in America are my evil lackeys who are sent to keep him down so he won't strike down the gods. Mu ha ha ha ha hee." said Chiron manically.

"Moo ha ha." said the teacher.

"Baa ha ha ha." said Grover.

But of course ,on the roof, as they often do, heroes learn that the only one they can trust is their swords!

"I'll be the master of my own destiny!" I yelled, the rain splashing all over me.

"Will you now?" asked Luke. "Or are they just using you?"

"They will pay. They will all pay. Especially that Luke guy, the one with the moustache."

"Oh, I hates him too my masterrrrrr." croaked my evil leprechaun side kick.

"Uh, I 'm right behind you?" ventured Luke. "You know that right? The whole roof thing?"

"Be quite Luke." I said. "Don't make me go physco on you too."

"I can help you Percy. Help you destroy the gods and their pitiful puppets." said Luke, who was in total awe or something of me.

"Who says I want to destroy the gods?" I asked.

"Oh, sorry that was me being presumptuous." said Luke.

" Oh goody." I said coldly. "And let me geuss. I'll go calmly along, and then, finally when the final prize of immortality is in my grasp, you will stab me in the back like you did with Annabeth or Thalia?"

" That was different." said Luke.

" Nice try." I said. "But that tone won't work on me. I trust no one but my sword."

"Master!"

"And my leprechaun sidekick of course!" I yelled, slashing at Luke with Riptide.

"Ah! Gahh! Owha! Eskmow!" we yelled, while our swords clanged and we fought with fists, metal on metal. I was so owning until Luke almost pushed me off the roof. "You are so fucked!" he yelled, rising Backsmiter, his sword.

"No! I'm not! You forgot that rain counts as water!" I yelled, and let the water hit me. I tripled in strength and groin size and totally kicked Luke's ass, pushing him off the roof where he fell too the ground.

"Damn you!" I yelled.

"Perhaps we should stand on a taller building next time?" asked my faithful leprechaun servant.

"Damn him." Oh, and leprechaun." I said, turning to him with a dangerous smile on my face. "I trust no one but my sword." And the blade went right through his little black heart. I grimaced slightly. I had no allies left. None at all. This might get dangerous. Still, there was only one option. Flee to camp half blood. And take it over and out of the hands of that damn centaur.

HGHGADJKZFJSDJTHGDCSDFEDF

" Hey you, where are my cd's?" yelled the centaur into the gloom, as darkness seemed to surround him.

" I'm an ambassador from queen finally. She wishes to speak to the son of the sea god." said a dark creature, hidden by shadow.

"Oh yeah? Well I don't like you!" yelled the Centaur. "Get them my evil army of manticores and flip files! Attack now! Get em! Get em!"

"The queen will be not by intimidated by weakling such as you. Ka ka ka pow! Ka ka ka Choo!" And the stuff fell dead.

"Mercy! Mercy!" yelled the Centaur.

"You poser! You made me late for map quest! I hate you!" he said and the Centuar fell dead. Actually, the messenger killed him, not the fall, and then, the messenger went on to search for Percy Jackson.

"Scene Break!" yelled the Oracle and

**Back to the school of Percy Jackson fan fiction.**

" Is there any reason I had to read that?" Asked Rainbow Droplets.

"It was your punishment." said theleafylord. "You clearly misunderstood our course aims, so I'm forced to start berating you. "Rainbow Droplets Rainbow Droplets and Rainbow Droplets. What the hell am I going to do with you?" asked theleafylord.

"In my defence I had no idea that Ginny was flammable." said Rainbow Droplets .

"I know. None of us saw that coming. But the real problem is this: The rest of the Weasly family found out. Now their printing a story about how you burned Ginny to death, made our fourth year idiots and beat up Vice Channelor Dick Cheny!"

Rainbow Droplets stiffened. "In my defence I was angry.And I didn't even know I was in Pretoria. Much less the Vice Channelor's bathroom."

Theleafylord smiled. "We have one hope to save the School of PJO fanfics from the evil hordes of reporters and Mary Sues.. We have to change our name on the board to Schoole of PJO fanfics.. They will become confused and leave us alone."

"But how will we get the extra E?" asked Rainbow Droplets .

"Seek out Becky Creighton.. If anybody can find two hundred rands worth of dead squirrels it's her."

"Right" yelled Rainbow Droplets.

"Hello Becky" said Rainbow Droplets

. "I'm trying to watch!" yelled Becky.

"Why are you so mean?" asked Rainbow Droplets, teary eyed.

"The Nutsman is on and your as bright as Alaska in Desember."

Both turned to look at the screen that was floating on top of the rugby field. "Hello Kids." Said the Nutsman. "I love you all just the way you are. Maybe you could stand to lose some weight but still. Unfortently not everyone agrees with my views. See I'm a pedofile. Can you say pedofile? Cause I've heard it often enough in court cases. Most of them involving me but stil..."

"Ok..."said Becky. "No whatcha bother me for?"

"We nedd to find an extra E!" Said Rainbow Droplets.

"Heavens No! No ecstasy for you! An if you try to get some in another way, I'll force you to listen to the Pussycat Dolls!"

Rainbow Droplets ducked. "What's so bad about that?"

"They're unorginal strippers who stole their name from a band in the fifties! They have more plastic and silicone than my Dad's car! They steal their lyrics from bathroom graffiti!" yelled Becky, some lines stolen directly from a play I wrote about the time Don't cha came out.

"What's your point?" asked Rainbow Droplets.

"Oh screw this. I hate Mtv! Ok spongebob and JackAss are okay but the rest? Sheesh! On the other hand i know of a place where we can get a E!But If you tell anyone about it I will through you into a big pile of sharp rocks!" said Becky.

Together they walked off, towards the construction site next to the church. "Hey, everyone knows about this place!" said Rainbow Droplets

"Yeah but if you tell anyone about this I will rip out your heart and write my name on the walls in your blood so that no one will know I did it." Becky suddenly ripped off the E of the Fake name sign.

"Now stand here! It will look suspicious if we ran like little fairy boys!" said Becky.

"More suspicious than standing around with the ripped off E!?" asked Rainbow Droplets .

" You have no sense of style." Said Becky.

Rainbow Droplets and Becky stood there for 15 seconds. Then they ran like people who are running. "Ha!Ha!Hee!Hee!" went Rainbow Droplets . "Now lets add the E to the sign and be done with it!"

"I lost the E!" said Becky.

"How?" asked Rainbow Droplets.

"Why did we steal the damn thing in the firsrt place?" asked Becky.

"Confession!" yelled Percy Jackson.

"No! Percy is working fo the goverment!" said Rainbow Droplets.

"Gasp!You stole the E! Vandal! I did nothing" said Becky and ran away.

"Rainbow Droplets , For killing Ginny whatsherface and stealing a giant E!, you wil be hanged.Dun Dun Dun!" said Percy.

"I want to see my lawyer!" said Rainbow Droplets.

" Mrs. Rainbow Droplets where is your lawyer?" asked Judge Dread.

"Present!" yelled theleafylord..

"What! What happened to my real lawyer?" asked Rainbow Droplets .

"Apparently nobody told him to look both ways before crossing the street" said theleafylord.

"How does your client claim?" asked the Judge.

"Not guilty! Duh!" said theleaflylord.

"And your defence is?" asked the Judge.

"That this entire situation was created by a bunch of evil wood nymphs who are trying to frame Rainbow Droplets cause she is the only person who knows the meaning of life." said theleafylord.

"Gah" said Rainbow Droplets . "That is so not my defence."

"LIAR!" yelled theleafylord and started slapped her.. "Why is your attorney so handsome?"

"Your Hounour, the defences lawyer appears to be attacking his client" said the opposing lawyer, Arya.

Theleafylord sat calmly and waited for the case against Rainbow Droplets to begin. Arya stood. "Your Honour" she began.

"Suck up!" coughed theleafylord..

"Your Honour, Rainbow Droplets has done unspeakable crimes against our goverment. She is hereby accused of murder,arson,vandilism and false advertising." said Arya.

"Theleafylord you may make your oh,so stylish speech." said the Judge.

"Righto old chap. Time to watch a master at work. My client is innocent. Thank you." said theleafylord.

"Mister Leafylord." began the judge.

"Don't get me started on you" said theleafylord pointing at the judge.

"Mister Leafylord are you insinuating that I'm not the sharpest knife in the murder victim?" asked the judge.

"I can see you are the result of excessive inbreeding" said theleafylord. " Oh yeah no evidence, motive blah blah I'm smart she's innocnet deal with it."

"Speaking of evidence or lack thereof, we now have some of it." said Arya .She pointed at a giacantic E!. "This tablet bears the fingerprints of Rainbow Droplets as well as his lawyers assitent.."

"Oh,Yeah? Well you suck!" yelled theleafylord.. "Furthermore we have a tape of Rainbow Droplets tourching Ginny" said Arya..

"My client assures me he was trying to get his knife out of Ginny's eye when the alleged incident happened. The knife,after being used to repetatily stab Ginny got stuck in his left eye socket and had to be plucked out. Unfortunetly Rainbow Droplets got tired of plucking, burned Ginny to a tiny pile of ashes and picked the knife up."

"How the hell is that going to help me?" asked Rainbow Droplets .

"Quite! The voices in my head are telling me something!" said theleafylord.

"Your Honour I think the defences lawyer is crazy" said Arya.

. "Waddle is such a funny word" said theleafylord. "Wibbly,Wobbly,Waddely Wonderfull."

"Mister Leafylord are you completely insane?" asked the Judge.

"Whoever told you that is a liar and a dirtball to boot" said theleafylord..

"Whats the time tubby?" asked Quatucwaseul.

"It's witness questioning time!" yelled Judge Dread.

First Witness. Percy Jackson.

Theleafylord was up first. "Now Percy if that is your real name.You have claimed that my client is a vandal. You have claimed to have heard an alleged confession. Well I'm going to prove you are a liar and a filthy communist facist yahoo! Now do you have any proof of my clients alleged conffesion? Don't answer!Of course you have no proof. This is part of a master plot to smear Rainbow Droplets's good reputation in order to be able to find an Armani jacket that won't be ruined in the rain! Shame on you! You make me sick! Lean over hear so I can slap you!" yelled theleafylord.

"I'm having flashbacks of my last birthday party" said Percy.

"Oh! He smeared someone there too!Confession! He had smeared Rainbow Droplets and has no proof and is skilled liar so obviously he is the one who took the cookie from the cookie jar!" The crowd gasped as one. It all made sense. "Percy Jackson. For taking the cookie from the cookie jar and because I hate you, you will be tied up,put in a basket and left in a club until the second hand smoke kills you. And not a good club. It will be at some place called Vito's" said the Judge.

"Now who's your daddy?" Theleafylord asked Rainbow Droplets.

Second Witness. Hermione Granger.

Arya got this one. " Mrs.Hermione. Tell the jury what you saw."

"I saw Ginny tourched by Rainbow Droplets " said Hermione.

"So basically theleafylord told a false story in order to get Rainbow Droplets out of trouble. Hmm.Interesting he would lie over anything" shot Arya as she sat down.

Theleafylord raised himself and approached the desk. "Your eyes are as blue as Rainbow Droplet's shirt." said theleafylord

"But Rainbow Droplets shirt is white" said Hermione.

"Ohh denail. Her shirt is blue. You're colour blind or a liar. Or both. But more importantly your facade of pretending to be Hermione was thrown off when Arya called you Miss Granger.It so obviously means you are married which you are not. So obviously you are a 43 year old married woman in her late twenties,pretenting to be Hermione!" said theleafylord truimphintly.

"Mister Leafylord, unmarried woman are called Miss in our country."

"Ah ha! The goverment is classifying woman according to their Marrigal status! And Hermione is playing along with it! So obviously she is an illegal immigrant from the Continent of Longview otherwise she would never agree too this charade!"

"Take her away boys" yelled the Judge. "One witness to go!" said the judge.

Third Witness. Ron Weasly.

Theleafylord was up first. "Hello Ron" said theleafylord looking as though he was trying to y something. "So, straight to business. How many wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck wood chuck wood?"

. "I'm here to testify against you." said Ron.

"Well I have your home address. You better hope I never get out!" said theleafylord

"Mister Leafylord begin your ruining of the witness's life" Said the Judge.

"Begin your testinomy Ron" said theleafylord..

"I was stalking the Vice Channolor when I saw Rainbow Droplets beat him up with a steel beam" said Ron.

"Why were you stalking the Vice Channolor?" asked theleafylord.

"He shot Georges other ear off." said Ron.

"Descibe the attack." said theleafylord.

" I was polishing my wand when Rainbow Droplets walked in with a steel beam and wacked Dick in the head with it." said Ron.

Did you see her do the wacking?" asked theleafylord.

. "No" said Ron.

"Well then, maybe he beat himself up with a steel beem because he wanted to frame Rainbow Droplets." said theleafylord.

"Why on earth would he do that?" demanded Ron

. "Because he wanted to frame Rainbow Droplets , cause he is the only one who knows about his nose job" Ron's eyes shot wide and his head exploded.

"Considering that every witness who appeared was proven to either be a lair,a facist comunist loony or Percy Jackson, we find Rainbow Droplets not guilty on all charges."

"Yay!" yelled Rainbow Droplets " Now can I get that E! back?"

. "Oh she is admitting she stole the E!" yelled Arya.

"Excuse me?" said the judge.

Rainbow Droplets paled when theleafylord suddenly plunged a knife into Arya's back.

"Unfotunetly Arya has died. We'll never know what she wanted to say." said theleafylord

. "Good enough for me" said the judge.

"Wait she is not dead" said Hermione.

. "Okay fine she is mortally wounded and tramatised. She will likely die within the hour." said theleafylord.

"She's getting better!" said Hermione.

"Oh screw this!"yelled Rainbow Droplets and beat Arya to the death with the gaint E!. End of story.

**Author Notes: Well, I think that was special. Yeah. Very much so.And yeah, the story about the hidden and forgotten ancient race shall continue, and yes, there are lots of them.**


	17. Typing Percy Jackson Fanfiction

**Typing Percy Jackson Fanfiction**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain.** **Lol. How do I write chapter?**

"I'm tired of arguing about this." I said numbly, glaring at Thalia. "Rap is not that bad! Sometimes it works much better for a certain verse or song structure than traditional rock vocal s will!

"Lair!" yelled Thalia. "You should burn in hell for that insult to the very essence of music you filthy lair!"

"Don't you mean rot in Tartutus or get my eyes gouged out be crows or something?" I asked.

"You should do all three!" said Thalia, sparks seemingly forming in her eyes are her rage mounted or, damn. I suck at prose. And the general rules of the English language.

" So what about Linkin Park?" I demanded. "Or early Red Hot Chilli Peppers? Or even Korn?"

" Eat spear and die!" yelled Thalia and lunged at me with her spear.

"I won't!" I yelled, drawing out Riptide and slashing back at her spear, which she pulled up sharply.

"Hello, fair children." said a short red headed guy. He was smiling worriedly. "Can you please pause in the fighting? It just has such, such, energy and colour, especially the part where she shoots sparks at you."

" Hey, if you lived in modern times, would you have composed classically music, rap or rock?" asked Thalia.

"I believe I would have done neither.' said the man, giving a half smile. "You see I'm more of a painter of sorts."

"Ah, so you would probably have done some of Iron Maiden's cover art right? Or maybe cool band t-shirts?" I asked. This may be time to try and figure out who this guy is, but what the hell. Then I noticed something. Me and Thalia noticed something. The guy's lack of ear.

" What happened to your ear?" asked Thalia.

"Yeah, what 'appened over ear?" I asked, giving a lopsided grin.

" Ah. Well, you see, I was polyjuiced to look like Harry Potter in an attempt to get him to the burrow safely when Snape blew my bloody ear off. It stung like hell. I would've given him and earful if I got the chance, I don't mind telling you." said the guy.

"So, how are you?" I asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Thalia, giving me a sneer. "He's Captain Carrot! That's why he's not currently being the king of Ankh Morpork."

"Actually I'm HeapHsteus, god of the forge and fire." said the guy with a sad grin. And by that I mean Hefesteus.

" Yeah right." said Thalia. "If you Heapthseus then I'm not him."

" Wait, so now you're the god Hepfsteus?" I asked. Unfair! I wanna be a god!

" No, I am the goddess Heapthlseus." said Thalia. "That is how I are."

"MOTA!" yelled Hefguseds.

I stared at Thalia. She stared right back. "Korn still owns Trivium." I said.

"No they don't!" yelled Thalia and we went straight back to arguing.

**In the school of Percy Jackson Fanfiction:**

"Okay, who can tell me what was wrong with that?" asked theleafylord, smilingly benignly down at his students. This was due to the fact that, after trying to do sit ups, a kelpie jumped on his chest and started biting him and he was forced to duck tape his legs to the ceiling to prevent his imminent death by kelpie bite wounds.

" Well." began HenryG.M.an . "For one thing, early Red Hot Chili peppers were funk, not rap, although the lyrical structure and melodies were similar to rap, the song structure were fairly different to the lack of so called "beats" and the increasingly brilliant bass playing by Flea, and the then, when John joined the band on guitar, a more melodic guitar which is rarely if ever found on rap tracks, with the exception of "rap metal bands", but they also use a different style, more similar to Thrash or Punk guitar, rather than the Funk and classically driven style of the Peppers."

" Yeah, and Korn doesn't own Trivium." said The Celtic Amazon. "And you pronounced both names wrong."

"I think that about covers it." said theleafylord. "Bang up job if I say so myself. Very accurate and well controlled."

"I think you spelt Hephsteuas wrong though." said Physco girl. Her eyes scanned the page. "Every single time." She looked up. "Why on earth did you think there's a g in Hepsteus? Or and an l?"

"And why isn't it a l?" said theleafylord. "Why is it an l? Like all history, we'll never know."

" I'm not sure about that." said Firemasterytjy. "I just have one problem right. Does bad spelling and grammar automatically mean the story sucks? Does it somehow worsen any and all other content of said story?"

"And why is acting like a 12 year old on a fanfic base devoted to a children's book a bad thing?" asked Hert.2the. Likehell.

"If I can't remember my age, I don't think you're allowed to tell me to act it." said theleafylord.

"Something else though." said Madster "Wasn't Picasso the guy who did the Iron maiden cover art?"

" No." said Rainbow Droplets. "That was Charles Du Gaulle."

"I loved the pictures on mark of the beast." said theleafylord with a faraway look in his eyes. "So pretty. Anyway, Madster, I think you may have misread the last part, as Percy was asking them weather or not he would've wanted to do the Iron maiden pictures, not that he actually did them. Anyway, lets move on to the next chapter."

**Welcome to bold type face.**

"Percy, we've been dating for about a day now…." began Annabeth, and I began panicking. Oh god(Hermes) she's going to tell me to start dressing up! Or worse, expect me to come into physical contact with her body. No!

" I love you!" I yelled. "Just please don't touch me!"

'What?" asked Annabeth with a look of concern on her face.

" No! stay back!" I yelled, rolling though the ground into a chair. I needed time to think. This is just to damn nerve wrecking.

" Percy, I've been thinking about us…." began Annabeth again, and she actually looked bit sad

"No!" I yelled. "I don't know what you're expecting! I don't do romanticism! I just do me!" I yelled, praying( again, to Hermes) that she didn't figure out how weird that sounded.

"It's not you…." she began.

"Oh my god!(Posedion)" I yelled. 'You're just using me to get Luke jealous! You're using me and my deliciously hot body and inexhaustible charisma to make him jealous because you're still in love with him after all the awful things he's done to you! Never mind that he's tortured you, almost killed me and has just about doomed every fucking living person on the planet, I'm sure he's not a bad person! He's just misunderstood!"

" Thank you Percy!" said Annabeth, tears sparkling in her eyes. "You're the only other person who sees it that way!"

" Dear god(Ares)." I said. "Okay this is fucked up. Let me get a chappie."

" How do you pronounce the brackets?" asked Annabeth, still looking at me like I was the only person who really understood her.

" Never mind that." I said. Have a chappie." Damn, I hoped this works, or it's the last time I take Grover's advice. You might be asking yourself how I got a brand of bubblegum made only in South Africa. You may also have noticed the Rugby World cup has began.

"Oh they have these little did you knows written in them." said Annabeth. "Did you know twenty eight, I'm breaking up with you." She looked up at me. "Why is this written in green ink?"

" Because I wrote it as a gently way of breaking up with you?" I said.

"Percy, you can't think of an even slightly better way of breaking up with me?" asked Annabeth.

"Well, yeah, but I had a chappie and a felt tip pen and it sort of just came together very quickly." I said.

Annabeth stared at me. I got kinda nervous and started fidgeting. "Can I have the gum though? That was my last one." I asked. Which was in retrospect, a bad move. Thankfully she still partially liked me, because she pulled the knife up just before impact.

**Meanwhile, back in the school of Portable Computer instillation and bad friction……**

" Was that supposed to be humour, romance or poetry?" asked Rainbow Droplets.

"Neither. It was poetry." Said theleafylord.

"Don't you think they were just a bit out of character? And that Annabeth should've mentioned she thought Luke was under Kronos' spell?" came a voice from the rafters.

"Shut up you evil rafter lurking freak." said theleafylord.

"What?" asked the evil rafter lurking freak. "This is the first time I've done it."

"There is just one problem in your general freakish lurking in Hogwarts' rafters. Hogwarts doesn't have rafters." said theleafylord. "Explain that, if you would be so good you rafter clinging scum."

"Hey, I can see my house from up here." said the rafter clinging scum.

"That's it!" yelled theleafylord. "We'll ignore that too. Anyway, any problems with the fic that doesn't come from idiotic rafter hugging uh, scum."

"You used scum twice." said Madster.

"Not really. Though you used brackets a lot." said Physco girl.

"Alright, time for the final short story….." said theleafylord, not giving a pause effect, but actually pronouncing those little dot thingies in some weird, weird way.

**The master and the talented amateur……..**

I'm not the best hero there ever was. Not by a long shot. In fact, heroics probably come to me due to there not being a better alternative.

And then you start to wonder, are we really heroes? We don't save people, not really. We just save other "heroes." We don't help people, our presence endangers them. And the funny thing is this, we still clutch on to our old swords, our old weapons, in a futile attempt to keep darkness and death at bay. A darkness and death that only comes for us. You really have to wonder about these things. And at the moment, I also have to worry about the Griffin that's trying to rip out my throat.

" Give it up Percy!" said Luke, laughing as the thing attempted to gouge at my eyes.

I didn't bother to answer. Opening my mouth was not going to be a smart move. I swung Riptide at its wing and it smiled grimly as it caused an explosion of feathers. My smile faded slightly as it screeched and I realised something. I didn't wound it. I just made it even angrier.

" You can 't win this Percy!" said Luke, and there was an uncertain edge to his voice. "Give it up! Submit to my rules and you might not just have a future, but be part of a glorious one!" I would have felt a bit better if the I didn't know that the uncertainty was caused by his fear that I might die, and not by his fear that I might win this.

Fuck him and his rules. In fact, I won't even think before I break his stupid rules. The griffin swept back at me. The rest of the crew of the Princess Andromeda veered away slightly, as they also probably didn't desire to become bird food. Or horse chow. Considering the things beak it could be both.

I didn't know how to handle this. I was already tired, and the thing just wasn't dying. And it's very hard to fight an opponent who can fly away from you and choose exactly when it wants to attack. Luke, being the bastard who he was, even drained his damn pool. We were currently fighting outside of his house, after I followed him and his warriors here after they left the ship. Turns out not calling back up was a rather ill fated decision. The griffin shot down at me again, this time ripping the sword out of my hands and slashing my side open.

"I think that's enough." said Luke. "Ready to admit defeat?"

Now here's a choice. Be a "hero" and die, or live a life of perpetual servitude to this guy. And it's times like these you realise what makes us heroes. Not saving ourselves from other, but saving other from themselves. Because when one single hero, like Luke, suddenly decides that he doesn't have to listen, that he isn't a hero, that's when you need heroes. You need heroes to save you from other heroes, who made a different choice, or just see the world a bit differently .

I picked Riptide and stood. The griffin cawed, almost mockingly and flew at me. I don't know where it came from. It was just that some part of me yelled "swing!" and I did, and there was more than an explosion of feather and horse hair. There was a freaking nuclear assault of horse hair and feathers. And the griffin fell to the ground, not alive anymore. It started to crumble.

The guards or crew or whatever stopped to stare, and I knew this was it. When you come out swinging, doing but things so other people can't. Before they knew what was happening I "took care" of three of the guards. The rest weren't sticking around after that. I had a nasty feeling Luke ordered them not to hurt me, and they were a bit more afraid of him than then they were of me.

"Very well." said Luke, and drew out his sword, Backbiter. "You are a talented amateur, but I'm a master at what I do." But he sucks at prose. Or whatever.

" Yeah. But that's how you become a master of this kind of thing isn't it?" I asked, trying to get a better grip on my sword. "Killing the old master?"

"Of course." said Luke. "Let's see how good you _are!"_ And then it started. A fight, where I'm fighting to kill, and he's laughing at me, avoiding my sword by inches and acting like it's a mile away. It wasn't the kind of fight you win. And then at last my sword fell limply at my side. I starred up at him.

"Ah. So you're admitting defeat then?" asked Luke, looking as though he had gone through some light exercise, not about thirty random murder attempts.

"No. I'm admitting that you're better than me." I said. And slashed with everything I had left. He laughed as it was deflected.

"Percy, think of your future." said Luke. "It can two ways. But in one, it's only ten minutes long."

" So is yours!" I yelled and slashed kicked at the same time. It turned into a sort of ahnd to hand fight, with both our swords lying on the floor. Until I grabbe Riptide, Luke got himself to his knees. He almost got his sword. He almost stood up too, but my sword was pressing against his neck.

"So." said Luke. "Not a very honourable victory. You had to resort to dirty fighting. And now, now what happens? You're the hero here, you can't kill me in cold blood. And of course I got you surrounded by guards who will cut you to pieces quite easily, not that they have my permission. And you also." he said, almost caressing the word with his tongue. "Have a way out. Just submit Percy. Work against the gods, and help me build a new future, a _better_ one!"

There were two ways to do this. The heroic way, and the right way. I lifted the sword off his neck and watched as Luke started grin. I then swung the sword as hard as I could. His expression had almost enough time to change to surprised.

**Author Notes: If you can geuss what prompted this chapter, you might want to duck low whenever you walk pass rafters. In anycase, I have started on the next chapter of Deadly Alliance, and am currently rewriting the first few chapters of Fall of the Sea god, with paragraph breaks and what not. In any cause, hope you enjoyed this collection of short stories. **


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